G.O.A.T

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G.O.A.T has been a term that's been bandied about a lot recently.Anyone in football circles will know that this term is not with reference to the domesticated animal that has to bid sayonara to this world and find its resting place in our bellies during Easter or Christmas. No, not that goat. G.O.A.T is an acronym for the Greatest of All time and that usually precipitates passionate debate over whom the worthy recipient of this title is, Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo.

For years these two footballers have hogged the Ballon D'Or, splitting opinion as to who actually deserves to be considered the greatest of all time between them. Their ridiculous goal-scoring feats will undoubtedly take ages to be surpassed. Over long stretches of time, they have been streaks ahead of everyone else. On some days though, they put in very sub-par performances that remind us, they're actually human after all. Ronaldo, for example, didn't really look like the G.O.A.T. during last season's UEFA Champions League final. He was anonymous for most of the game. His Welsh teammate, Gareth Bale, more than eclipsed him after coming on as a second-half substitute. In fact not only did he eclipse Ronaldo, he re-announced himself on the big stage by scoring one of the greatest Champions League final goals ever, a bicycle kick so good that it took a while for our minds to register that it had indeed gone in. Bale certainly endeared himself to Madridistas with that moment of magic. Quite naturally, he should have been the one taking the spotlight afterwards but it wasn't to be, it was Ronaldo.

Ronaldo, after the game, said it was a delight to play for Real Madrid raising a whirlwind of speculation about his future at the club. His bombshell, minutes after Madrid's triumph was anything but ideal. It wasn't the best time to say what he did. He acknowledged it himself. Football websites highlighted how in  speaking about playing for Real in past tense, he had redirected the focus to himself away from Real Madrid's win and Gareth Bale's stunning performance.

They opined that Ronaldo had made it all about him. In truth and taking into account his chequered history, not many can fault them for their scathing assessment of the Portuguese's bombshell. He has always been one to be seen as egocentric. As a result, he is loved and hated in equal measure. His celebrations when he scores, his displeasure when teammates don't pass him the ball to score, depict him as a man all about himself. The saying, there is no 'I' in team isn't always heeded by Ronaldo. I won't weigh in on CR7 because quite frankly I do the same and worse.

More than I'd love to admit, I want it to be about me sometimes. I want to be the center of attention. I want to be the name on everyone's lips. I want to be the poster-boy. I want to be the one whose quotes  outlive him. Don't get me wrong, I don't want it 24/7. I prefer the background rather than the glare of the limelight. Neither do I want my own version of Keeping it with Kenneth. I don't really want people to worship me and intone my name like mindless zombies or sycophants. I just want recognition. I want to feel significant.  I want validation. It's an indispensable need. I guess it's an indispensable masculine need, to be affirmed. You could argue it's an indispensable need for women as well but I reckon men need it more.

I owe my need for affirmation to my steady growth as a man, much of it due to the transforming power of the Holy Spirit as he conforms me more and more to be like Jesus. I look back at the trail I've left, the milestones I've achieved and my heart swells with glowing pride at the man I've become due to Jesus' sanctifying work in my life. I want others to celebrate what God has been doing by affirming it.

"Wow Ken! You've changed so much! You're such a role model! You're an inspiration! I admire your faith! I see Jesus in you! Your walk with Christ inspires me! That was really profound what you said there!" I yearn for those kind of compliments here and there. I hunger for affirmative responses from men and women alike. Weird thing is that as much as I usually talk up God's love as being the ultimate love, it should follow his affirmation is just as lofty but I don't act like it is with all this hankering for human affirmation. It's a duplicity I'm acutely aware of and not too proud of.

Ironically, I value praise from my fellow man more than God's. I deem God's private affirmation as inadequate and instead, rank man's public affirmation as all-sufficient. When you put this in perspective, you have to scratch your head and wonder why. Consider this juxtaposition, On one hand you have God, a being who was before time existed. He was the one who created the world, not by blood or sweat, but by speaking it into being. We watch movies with people having tele-kinetic super powers of moving objects with their minds or hands, God has the power to create material objects with his words. Continents, soaring mountains, vast seas, expansive skies came forth into being just by him uttering them into existence. God  is immortal, invulnerable, perfection personified, supremely the same yesterday, today and forever more. Then there is a man, a being whose life is unlikely to go beyond 90 years if he's lucky, a being who struggles to find out his own purpose let alone those of things surrounding him. A being who has to be taught to eat with a spoon, taught to pee, taught to crawl, and dies still not knowing close to half of what there is to know. A being vulnerable and incapable of overcoming the common cold. A being restricted by the boundaries of space, time, gravity. Considering the aforementioned, how then can man's praise be on a higher pedestal and God's lower? Makes absolutely no sense doesn't it.

Why can't I be content with the author of humanity's private affirmation even when no-one is singing praises to the tune of my name? Why do I prefer man's affirmation when he is on a constant collision course with change and relativity?  Permanence has eluded him for centuries. He is always in a state of flux, he is erratic in mood, shifting in attitude, preferences and knowledge of what is good and wrong. How then can his affirmation be considered superior to God when he shifts his conscience so readily?

With man, it's always a never ending cycle. One person affirms you today the next day they forget your achievements, Jose Mourinho knows this only too well and like him, we'll be clamoring for respect. One person considers you a great deal while another thinks you're not, you then strive to get affirmation from the one who doesn't, when you do get it, you meet someone else who doesn't affirm you, and you strive to get theirs, and you find someone who else who doesn't, and you strive to... I'm sure you get the picture. The sad news is the world is not short of people who won't affirm you, in fact it has plenty of them, billions by a conservative estimate and if you keep on chasing their affirmation, you won't get it all even if you were given a thousand lifetimes. How exasperating then it must be to seek this validation because you will never have enough of it.

Isn't God a far superior affirmer, the best actually. Man can't judge or affirm absolutely because he doesn't know all the facts. God knows the facts,  the motives, the unseen complex web of intricate circumstances that had a bearing on the action. He can thus affirm totally and absolutely. His affirmation is superior because he can attach the exact measure of praise since he knows the exact measure of effort factoring in all aspects of that action or lifestyle.

God is never-changing, the same, today, yesterday and forever, never one to lie unlike man who can say a thing or two so I don't catch feelings. Man will affirm you possibly to reap the spoils from you. You know, give someone a compliment or two, so that they can be inclined to return the courtesy you paid them. God won't. He doesn't need to. He gives compliments no-strings attached. He is thus a much more reliable judge. He is the best judge actually and if he affirms me, of what need is there for anybody else's affirmation.

I really struggle with this praise thing. I'm no Paul or Barnabas, I think I would readily soak in the adulation of those in Lystra and have little qualms about been  hailed as some sort of demi-god.(Acts 14:8-16) Rather than tearing my clothes and telling them to stop because I am a man just like them, I would like to think that I'd believe the hype and let them go on,but clearly it's not the way.

It must not be, because Jesus didn't seek men's validation. He wasn't the braggart to call attention to his works. He wasn't in pursuit of vainglory. Matter of fact, some miracles he insisted on keeping it low profile. A lot of miracles. Cheza chini is something Jesus did quite often where others would have called for a presser to call attention to their deeds. Even when it was something as monumental as his transfigured appearance with Moses and Elijah that had Peter blabbering, he laid low and told Peter, James and John to speak nothing of it until his resurrection. Jesus clearly didn't really see the measure of his significance by how people perceived him but instead by how his father did. Most time our heavenly father's viewpoint is far different from man's.

God's validation has sharply contrasted man's as well. David the shepherd was the king in God's mind not his big brother Eliab who had all the appearances of a king in waiting and Samuel's too. The widow giving two copper coins was the generous one in Jesus' eyes as opposed to the bourgeouis who gave what many would perceive as lavish gifts.(Luke 21:1-2) Mary was considered to have chosen what was better by spending time with Jesus as opposed to Martha who did the lion's share of the work in hosting Jesus.

I've noticed in scripture God affirms an individual right before adversity strikes leading to a period which could possibly cause one to question their self-worth. David was anointed King, then afterwards for close to two decades he lived life as a fugitive. Joseph was affirmed as a leader in  dreams, then spent years in obscurity and a  dungeon away from the people he was to lead. Jesus was affirmed by God when God said, "This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."(Matthew 3:17) Shortly after that Jesus was in the dessert for 40 days, tired, hungry and thirsty being tempted by the Devil.

We've conditioned to think that affliction or adversity is an indication of diminished self-worth. With God, it's almost the opposite. Going through tough times is an affirmation. There's a quote that goes, "God give his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers." That too me is a concise explanation to Hebrews 12:5-6, "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

God loves us so much that he isn't content with us remaining the same. He allows trials to come away to make us better. He uses them to chisel us, and sculpt us into exquisite pieces of his transforming work. Mother Theresa famously quipped, " I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that he didn't trust me so much." Isn't it awesome when God considers us ready to go through hardship. Isn't that God affirming how strong of character we are, besides wanting to reveal himself more to us. The early church of Acts had this same outlook on life and it is no wonder they thrived. In Acts, the apostles left the Sanhedrin after being wrongfully imprisoned and flogged, but they did so rejoicing that they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for their faith.(Acts 5:41). Such an outlook would be so out-of-place in today's world where we gripe at having to face the slightest of challenges.

It's indeed striking that in Hebrews 11, the people rated as 'lit', the people whom the world was not worthy of ,were the loners, the destitute, the marginalized, the afflicted. Tough times don't last but tough people do and perhaps we should sometimes reclaim that apostle-mentality of being counted worthy of suffering disgrace, adversity for Jesus' name, after all God is affirming our faith and proving it as genuine as Peter inferred in one of his letters.

A lot of times we might go through life shorn of compliments. We may fail to hear an affirming word or two from those whom we yearn to hear it from. That shouldn't push us off a cliff plunging to despair. That shouldn't compel us to relentlessly be cool or to go great lengths people-pleasing to seek their affirmation. It shouldn't mean we have to compromise our values or overlook misdemeanors of the ones whom we want validation from. Neither should we sulk and be broody when we don't get affirmed.

God longs to relate with us. He longs to affirm us, chiefly through his word, through  numerous times in scripture. If we would just make time to spend time poring over his word,he would affirm us more regularly. From scripture, he affirms me by saying I am his masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10 NLT). He affirms me by telling me that I shouldn't let people look down on me because I am young but continue to set an example to the believers in speech, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12) He affirms me by telling me that I am more than a conqueror(Romans 8:37). He affirms by telling me I an wonderfully and fearfully made(Psalms 139:14) He affirms me by claiming me as his child. (1 John 3:1)  These and so many other verses affirm me.I believe.

To get affirmation from the real, greatest of all time, is really something. Who better to affirm my masculinity than the greatest man who ever lived in Jesus. Who better to affirm Godliness in an individual than God himself? Who better to affirm righteousness than Jesus who lived a righteous life as a man without committing a single sin. Too often we look for affirmation but find it in pint sized portions.

Parents can only affirm so much. So too can our peers or our mentors.  A girlfriend can only affirm your masculinity partially. A husband can only affirm you as a lady to an extent. Accolades, plaques, gala dinners where you get awards and recognition from luminaries in your professional field as well as your business contemporaries can only go so far until people move on to their hustle. Compliments from your fellow ladies for your hair or your outfit or your foundation will satisfy for a day or too at best and will be nowhere when you look ordinary or below. Slay queen today with numerous likes, stares from guys, but still struggling with security. Human validation never quite satiate us. After all, we have been deviating from the original standard God had for humanity at such a rapid and regressive rate, we no-longer really know what a model person really looks like. That, and the fact that we are all chasing affirmation for ourselves that we seldom have time to affirm others.

The only one able to affirm us is the very one who made us, the one who knows everything about us. Only he can fill the God-shaped void in our hearts for affirmation. Only affirmation from the greatest of all time will render us content. Sure, being affirmed by men and women is great, but rest assured being affirmed by the Greatest of all time, is infinitely better.

If they only knew...

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I never have been one to have a vivid imagination. No, hang on, that's quite not true. I have, a bit-ish.Perhaps that could explain why I've always been so slow of thought. But things change. I've learnt to unshackle my mind from the fetters of normalcy. Currenlly however, my mind isn't used to the freedom. Running amok, it is capable of conjuring up all sorts of things. Like this day for example, my mind got me thinking….

Perched aloft in the heavens, ensconced on his spectacular throne he muses. The Seraphim encircle him, bestowing on him praise after praise. After all he does deserve it. Reverence is accorded to him with abandon.

His thoughts are directed at his people. Billions of them strewn across the globe. I wonder how he can think about each one of them at the same time. Perhaps when I finally meet him face to face, I will be too awestruck to even ask. For now I’ll just keep at wondering then.

He reflects on Jake, the teen who is being pressurized to fit in. He thinks of Lydia, who just discovered her pregnancy is positive. Then Ronnie, whose love of self insidiously grows. Of Angela, caught in two minds on which ideal to follow. Then me, dear old me, who is wondering how my tomorrow will unfurl.

Our various circumstances do not at all surprise him. After all he knows everything. I guess you could say, we are his version of Big Brother except there’s no prize money for us or elimination. He also knows everything. I mean everything. The start, the climax, the twist and turns, plateau periods. Nothing is obscured from him.

Dear old me is getting edgy. Days have turned to weeks. Weeks to months. Months to Years. Still pretty much the same guy. Not much growth. Stagnation par excellence. That, “What are you up to nowadays” question is getting harder to answer.

“If he only knew how in the center of my plan he was. If he only he knew the family issues he’ll face in 15 years or also the counsel and emotional support I will use him to provide to others, he’ll realize this adversity and waiting period was necessary. He wouldn't play victim. He would appreciate his Job-like experiences."

"If only he knew how I could lift him up out of the mire by a word. By just a word. Or I could stretch my hand too to draw him out. That works.  If only he knew I could influence anybody anywhere to be positively inclined to him. He doesn't need connections as the world is trying to incline him to believe. I am the ultimate connection.

If he only knew what he thinks would be the ideal community or the ideal wife is just the half of it. If he only he knew why I kept people away from him and likewise, kept him from people. It was for his and their good. He’ll learn in time. David didn’t see himself as a king. Neither did Abraham see himself as a father of faith. Moses thought he was a has been. If he knew all my purposes for his life, he would kill himself with analysis-paralysis. Future him would scare him to death. For now he will have to trust me day by day."

"Lydia, Lydia, Lydia. Now she is going to think I don’t love her. She is going to give church a wide berth for 2 years. Do a disappearing act on her community of faith. Another prodigal daughter. Funny how her former bully will be the one to help her get back on her feet from Post Partum Depression. Baby Antoinette will teach her so much about herself. She will see herself in her daughter’s eyes. She will see me in herself as a parent. That Sunday when she will finally let her hair down before the congregation, I smile watching that priceless moment even if it has yet to happen for her in real time. How she will liberate people. I will tell her I never left. She will know too well she did. Funny how she will try to hide her baby bump then years later she will be sharing her brokenness and ministering to girls pregnant out of wedlock. She will be an inspiration to so many women. She will teach my word so powerfully. The juxtaposition of the lady she is now and the one to come, couldn't be greater."

" I Gave Ronnie a job. Gave him a car. Gave him a wife. Lucifer, Adam, now it's Ronnie with the pride bug. They never will learn. He thinks his success his doing. He thinks he climbed his way to the top because of his hustle and grind. “Gabriel, Michael, It’s amazing how humble he will be in some months to come. Praying for his son’s salvation day after day. How his son Greg will make him so dependent on me. Fatherhood does that to men. Makes them appreciate their Dads too. If Ronnie knew how much I am proud of him and not measure his worth through his failings..."

"Angela. My angel. Trying to find that elusive balance but in so doing she is being pulled asunder. Trying to please her peers by being lit.At the same time she wants to grow as my daughter. The dual life is taking its toll on her. On one hand, she is pressurized to flaunt her body, on the other hand she doesn't want to objectify herself sexually. On the one hand she is being sucked to the rat-race, on the other hand she is being called to make time for ministry. On one hand, she doesn't want to be the 'memory verse' christian whom her peers will feel insecure around. On the other hand  she feels the world needs me and she needs more of my word to share it with them. She yearns to be a light to the hurting, the downtrodden but her peers don't want her to be different. She wants to share her faith. She is trying to keep the best of both worlds but it's tearing her apart. I can feel her strain. If she just found her identity in me. If she knew having me didn't mean losing her fun side. People think that following me means they have to be excessively solemn, prim , rigid, robotic and contrived. They conveniently forget it is I who created happiness. I, who created joy. I, who created laughter. I, who created enthusiasm, zeal, passion, music, dance, sex. People don't lose all those by following me,instead in me, they find them in their truest form. If Angela only knew how infinitely better I could make her when she is fully in me rather than engaging in this duality, she wouldn't hesitate to quit the double act." 

"Jake, the man after my own heart. Satan and his minions must be getting sick of him. He aced the cheat-exam temptation. He passed the steal-money from parents temptation. He passed the sex-before marriage temptation. Rosa made it so difficult, all his male peers wouldn’t have thought twice. But Jake. My man. Now his classmates are picking on him, hating on him for leading a model lifestyle. Peter's words for suffering because of doing good are starting to sound very real for Jake. His peers are questioning his sexual orientation because he said no to Rosa. His virginity is ridiculed. He thinks he's alone. He thinks he is weird. Why do they always think when they are faithful to me and the world hates them for it, they are being arrogant?If he only knew how many people he is influencing. Thousands of likes, but people wont hit the like button for fear of being crucified. He thinks his posts on IG, Twitter, FB are going unnoticed. If he only knew the plethora of souls he is leading to me…

I love them all. All of them. If they only knew how much I loved them. They soon will . They will see my son’s death on the cross differently. They will have an amazingly fresh perspective. I will keep awakening their minds to love me more. They soon will know how much I forgive them. My scandalous love and mercy will cause them to do things that the world will shake their head in disbelief. Their commitment to me will be the stuff of legends. I could have well as added their names to the Hebrews 11 roll call.

They wouldn’t criticize  themselves so much. They wouldn’t define themselves by the labels others give them. If they only knew the men and women they will become. They’ll look back to their present circumstances with nostalgia. They’ll see how my hand was at work, shaping them, molding them.

If they only knew...

Picking up the pieces

 

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Commutes to and from town have a tendency of serving up some rather interesting spectacles. As a result, I’ve seen my fair share of drama over the years. Guys who blatantly lie about their whereabouts and make dishonest politicians look like amateurs. There was the chap who made puppy noises that seriously had me convinced there was a puppy on board. Not forgetting suave, slick-talking salesmen who sell ‘digital’ pens, pesticides, textbooks or stickers. There is never a dull moment abode a 46 commute that’s for sure.

There was this one time, something not out of the ordinary happened.  I was in a KBS en route to Town, when I saw a male passenger shuffling his feet to get up to leave, nothing out of the ordinary there. Except while he was leaving, he wasn’t mindful of his feet, so as he quitted his seat, a female passenger close to him bore the full brunt of his foot treading on hers. She grimaced in pain and flung an arm at the man in retaliation. The man apologized but the damage had been done. In a huff, the lady stormed off from that row of seats, taking her place at the backbench, where she recoiled to the corner, very far from harm’s reach.

Ordinary as it may sound, this event mirrors our response to emotional pain. Well, that’s for a lot of us. When people hurt us we strike back. Whether in an explosive outburst laden with expletives or harsh words with disparaging remarks and counter arguments. Whether in fists or some kind of pushing and shoving. Whether in passive-aggressive speech. Whether by withdrawing from them. Whether through silent treatment. We all react to pain in some way.

Like the lady, some of us choose the option of recoiling. Withdrawing. Putting a considerable distance between ourselves and the person that hurt us. This takes on many different forms. Physically it may mean an individual departing, leaving an organization, leaving a party of friends, leaving a church with the intention of getting away. Subsequently, that individual maintains that distance and isn't keen on being involved in any future relations.

Virtually, lefting WhatsApp group has been the order of the day when it comes to withdrawing. At  times, it is without explanation, other times it is with drama. For some lefting has not been a matter of if but when.  A lot of Cyber bulling has seen a number quit social media all together to get away from the vitriol being dished to them online. 

We practice avoidance and get as far away as possible from the people who hurt us. Sometimes this is in the form of sequestering ourselves from the world, by erecting an impregnable wall of cynicism around our hearts. A wall of cynicism whose building blocks are acts against us which become the most defining experiences in our lives. We decidedly resolve, “Never again. I won’t be taken advantage of. I won’t be so gullible. I won’t be made a fool of. I won’t waste my tears over someone.” 

All around, you can identify someone nursing a broken heart. You’ll see pent up rage that flares up at the slightest provocation, whether directly or indirectly. There is also a deep-rooted suspicion in some that manifests itself in being overly cautious of other people’s behaviour or motives. Not to forget is a defeatist resignation as people wallow in passivity. Losing the will to fight, to take initiative, to persevere, they instead opt to play it safe, to avoid uncomfortable confrontation or hardship. They lassez-faire their way through life so to speak.

Then there are those who play victim. Always blaming someone or circumstances for their state of being. Others will blatantly deny they are hurt. They will play poser. A sort of it fake it till you make it approach to hurt except that faking that you are not hurt can only go so far. They may act cool, downplay the hurt but eventually the truth of their pain comes to light.

Hard as people may try to conceal it, those nursing wounded hearts are not that hard to spot. And I’m not just talking about wounded hearts from being spurned,  from unrequited love,  from being cheated on or from having to become a single parent but so many wounded hurts from different causes as well. Death taking away a parent, a child, an unborn child, a sibling, friend or relative. An unfair dismissal from work. A divorce either as one being divorced or as a child in the thick of it. A business going bust or a long period without work. A sudden paralyzing diagnosis, being on the receiving end of rejection by people you yearn to be friends with, an absent dad or mum growing up, self-inflicted hurt because of poor personal decisions. Those are just a couple to name but a few, it’s impossible to run the whole gamut of heart-break. I can say, from each, and so many more, the pain is very real. All the more unfortunate is when people try to offset their lasting pain through what I would call  'short-termist methods'.

Call it Google, call it our different temperaments, backgrounds, we have our different quick-fixes to pain. Some go to the bottle, some find it through a night out in the club. Some go for the intoxicating stuff,  a pill, a snuff, a smoke or a needle. They are those who take to lust, to finding relief through ogling, through fantasizing, through porn, through masturbation, through philandering, through one-night stands or regular random sex. Some find it through cynicism and perennial fault-finding, resulting in ranting and railing on their social media platforms.

Most would fault the above coping mechanisms. Most would term them inappropriate. Most of us, wouldn’t resort to them if we weren’t in pain. Our pain somehow justifies our choices to pursue those destructive coping mechanisms. Our pain somehow gives us a sense of entitlement to engage in these questionable coping mechanisms, a sort of license to indulge in them. I for one personally know how emotional pain inflicted on me has not made me think twice about turning to lust provide relief. Ogling to counter-balance pain seems completely justifiable at the time. That’s the same for people tend to get wasted, who tend  to have eventful nights out, who sleep with a prostitute or side chick or guy, they will most probably  point to some debilitating pain that entitles them to search behaviour.

Then there are the not so negative coping mechanisms. The ways of dealing with heart-break that are permissible. Some that are understandable when you consider the grand scheme of things. Some take to the gym, to cross-fit, to yoga, to  running, to football, rugby, basketball and other sports to take their mind off things. Some to dance, to Zumba. Some resort to cooking, baking, some to writing, to poetry, to singing.  Some use travel, exploration, sight-seeing to get palliative care. Some take to charity, to visiting the sick, the orphaned, those in prison, to philanthropy, to participating in mentorship programs, church ministry. All very appropriate to deal with pain.

They are those who are compelled to withdraw from toxic people, they isolate themselves, retreating to a corner where they can find their space. Some do the opposite, and meet new people, meet new people some more, making the most of every opportunity to socialize.

Others use work to counterbalance their pain. They may have skeletons in their closet, they may flounder in their personal life, or with their family but at work, they excel. They immerse themselves in work, they are super-productive. They meet the targets, exceed them, they are praised for it.They find their identity in their career to nullify the shortcomings in other facets of their life. 

I agree that the above are purgative in their own different way. They remove the negative feelings, they purge the bitterness, anger, hatred, vengeance, shame, dishonour, defilement. Furthermore, they provide an outlet to channel the negative energy constructively. However, it should also be said, that even socially acceptable methods of dealing with heartbreak have their drawbacks. 

Even those ways we think are appropriate in dealing with pain have their flaws and limitations. In themselves alone, they are incomplete. Sure, they redirect your focus from the pain. Sure, they numb it but they don’t all-out cure it. They don’t really redress the injustices and pain permanently. You only have to prod and poke someone to open up about their pain and watch as the fireworks explode. People will go in the defensive or offensive. They will shoot you hostile stares that will make you think twice about inquiring any further. They will make you feel you are too invasive. Then you will realize the heart-break is still very much alive despite the positive coping mechanisms.

God is deemed a miracle worker. The one major miracle I believe he provides is healing. Healing from a broken past with it's regrettable past actions. Healing from "I should have..", "I wish I had", "Why was I so stupid?" Healing from traumatic experiences. Healing from injustices, from cyber bullying, back-stabbing,  body-shaming. Despite all that has happened to us, however damning, however unjust, however painful, God can heal us. Not just content with mending our broken hearts, he gives us new ones because it is only with these hearts can we live a life honoring him as he desires us to. Jehovah Rapha can do a job on your broken heart if you allow him to. His lasting healing is based on his terms and here’s how I think that plays out.

As much as he heals, we also have to play our part in the healing process. Another commute taught me something else. One day, after having dismounted from a 46 in Hurlingham, the rain was beating ever so heavily that I had to seek shelter under a bus stop. A couple of us hurdled under that shelter waiting for the rain to subside. While we were waiting, a young lady received a call. Since we were hurdled up together, her phone conversation wasn’t exactly private. We were 'obliged' to listen in on her conversation. Someone on the other end of the line was talking about a guy whom I think the lady fell out with. The lady very adamantly said she wasn’t going to apologize to that guy. She plainly stated that she doesn’t apologize to men.

Apologizing, Admitting, Agreeing that you’re wrong is one of the first things you will have to do. Whether it’s apologizing to God. Whether it’s apologizing to another a man or  to another woman, you will have to do it. Sometimes we will be forced to swallow our pride and apologize to those whom others will reckon we shouldn't apologize to. We will have to adopt a posture of humility and admit that we were wrong for doing what we did, for saying what we said, for not doing or not saying what we should have done or said. It may mean apologizing to a son or daughter. It may mean apologizing to a subordinate worker or an intern. It may mean apologizing to the person you mentor. It may mean apologizing to the person you preach to from the pulpit. It may mean apologizing to a child, to the house help, to your ex, to the guy/chick you knew you were just stringing along, whom you led on to believe there was a relationship in the brewing. It may mean ditching pride and your machismo and going to a counsellor to bare it all out. We must take responsibility for our mistakes and confess them. Whether we said hurtful things. Whether we did hurtful things. Whether we think or are not quite sure that what we did or said wasn’t that hurtful. Whether we were hurtful by being silent. We must own up.

Failure to which,  both the good and bad coping mechanisms of pain will only numb it. They will always be insufficient. We will try to pacify ourselves by solely focusing on what the other person did. We might solicit empathy from others about what happened to us and depict ourselves us unfortunate victims and portray the other person or people as the only culpable party. We might kid ourselves that we didn’t hurt the other person or that we’ve been hurt  far worse and didn’t suffer much. We might try avoid the people we offended.  We’ll always live with a guilt complex as a result. The nagging feeling that we should apologize will never go away irrespective of whether people buy our side of the story. Irrespective of our philanthropy, our piety, our ministry,our academic papers, our plaudits at work, guilt will simmer beneath. We have to do the hard bit of owning up, agreeing that we messed up and sincerely apologizing. Jesus came that we live in abundance not living in semi-abundance with a guilt complex. Own up.

We must also own up about our own ignorance. We must own up about our own naivety and high expectations  because they are the chief reason we get heart-break. As much as we play victim, we too are culpable. We too made serious errors in judgment. We too make very costly assumptions that are the reason we get hurt. As much as we focus on the other person, we ought to share in the  blame because of our naivety, our ignorance, our skewed perception, our misunderstanding. It’s not necessarily about the other person not meeting our standards, it is that our standards were too high in the first place.

We have to admit that our expectations were off. We were blinded by ignorance, naivety and we set ourselves up for hurt. We have to confess that as well. We also have to accept that we live in a flawed world with self-centered individuals so conflict is inevitable. There has never been a time this world was perfect and that one person inflicting pain on you has disturbed the ‘natural order’. This world was always messed up. A world of cheating, selfish-individualism, Money Over Everything culture(MOE), misogynists, bigots, sexual predators, liars, conmen has always been there. You were born into it.

People hurting you in some of the above ways is inevitable. It’s not some cosmic event that happens once in a lifetime. It will happen. The world has never been perfect. It’s always been flawed, it’s just that you’ve been spared from seeing its nasty side till now. The world will not be better if your pain was dealt with, it needs to be redeemed from top to bottom. Only God can redeem it fully and he started by sending Jesus to die for it on the cross to begin the process.

Jesus set the tone and we should follow. He engaged with a broken world cognizant of it’s brokenness and not constantly bemoaning it’s brokenness. If anyone suffered heartbreak, it was him. As he lay on the cross, people hurling their insults, at him, he told God to forgive them for they didn’t know what they were doing. He extended grace to the broken and since we have his spirit, and he extended grace to us, so should we do the same to others. After apologizing and confessing, that’s what we do.

Forgive others. Forgive yourself. I know it’s easier said than done. Again remember, Jesus forgave you for far, far, far much worse. God forgave others for more. You are thus able to forgive others and yourself by his enabling power, love and grace. Some think that by forgiving they will be agreeing that what was done was right to them. No it wasn’t. In cases like this you shouldn’t be apologizing but be apologized to. Often, that apology will not come. Forgiveness is about letting go of the right to that apology. It’s  also about refusing to let past actions domineer you life. Refusing to let go of a painful incident in your life will stifle you from becoming the very best, from fulfilling your potential. Jesus didn’t left flagrant opposition or insults, rule his life. He didn’t let it stymie him or his ministry. He let go and as a result his influence still lives to today. We are called to do the same, let go.

Remember also God is just. Super-just. No wrong deed goes unpunished under his watch. None. Justice may not come when you expect it to or as you expect it to, nonetheless, it will come. The chilling thing for me is that when I think that my punishment of my offenders is just, God’s punishment is probably far far greater. It is God’s to avenge, not mine. He saw me when I was hurt. He saw you when you were hurt. In his own way, he will administer justice because he not only saw the act but the intricate sub plots behind it, the motives. He is thus able to judge much more better. Mine is to let go. He will do it in his own time.

How often do you imagine that if pain was removed, life would be good. If that person that hurt you only said sorry, if they only agreed that they did wrong, if they only did something to compensate for the past actions, you would be ok. Hate to burst your bubble but it might not happen soon, it might never will. Does that mean your life is that bit less fulfilling? Does that mean you are consigned to a life of unhappiness because you didn’t get an apology or justice? Jesus proved that in spite of the hurt, in spite of the lack of apologies, your God given mission still goes on. You still can leave a mark on this world, a sizeable one, irrespective of whether people apologize to you or not. Irrespective of whether pain or heartbreak is inevitable, you can still live a lasting legacy.

Jesus gave us a spirit of power, of love, and of self-control, chiefly to overcome heart-break. He showed that heartbreak doesn’t define you. You don’t have to be cynical and bitter to your grave. More importantly, he showed he could heal people like Peter, Paul, Mary whose past life was nothing to write home about. He can do the same to you if you surrender, if you agree that you’re messed up, agree to him and to who else you need to agree to. Then let go and ask him to help you let go for all the days of your life.