What's in a name

Curiosity or observation has always been a fort of mine. I guess you could say it makes up for my aversion to talking at length. I prefer being mum so as to see, look and observe. No surprises then, that one day a 'missing cat' poster grabbed my attention. Nothing extraordinary about a missing cat in Nairobi but there was something strikingly different about this one. The missing cat went by the name of Stevie Wonder. Yes, you heard me right, Stevie Wonder!

As much as I couldn't help feel sorry for the family that  desperately yearned to be reacquainted with their dear pet, nor could I fail to imagine the sleepless nights they spent agonizing over their lost feline friend; the name Stevie Wonder had me trying hard to stifle a chuckle. The fact that the poster actually mentioned that the cat would respond if you called him by that name made it all the more difficult to keep a straight face.

We recently lost our own cat, Mystique, and never did I imagine  crying over the loss of a cat but I did. The loss was massive. Our family member of 15 years would no longer grace us with her presence. I was devastated and so now in hindsight, I'm more empathetic about the missing cat case but back then I was as indifferent as they come.

I had thought to myself, "How do you name a cat, Stevie Wonder?" Really, how? Were the cat's miaows so musical and captivating that he had female cats swooning. Was Stevie quite the wonder? I wonder(excuse the pun) how Stevie was like? Whether Stevie was found or is alive, one thing is for sure; he won't be forgotten in a hurry because of his name.

Speaking of names, I recall that my birth was one fraught with a series of fortunate occurrences that my parents sought to name me, Bahati. As luck would have it(excuse another pun), it didn't materialize. To think, that I would have also been introducing myself with swag by saying, "Ni Bahati tena." As fate would have it, Kenneth Sambu Mwinamo Minishi would have to suffice.

Names can leave quite the impression. They can stand the test of time and leave you with a lasting memory of a person. Centuries have passed, yet a name far surpassing that of Stevie and a host of others remains on peoples' lips till today. That name, is the name of Jesus.

Jesus, for billions of people represents hope, represents life, represents identity. Jesus is the name in whom I and so many believers pray, and upon finishing our prayer, are bestowed with an indescribable peace in the knowledge that God has heard us irrespective of whether our prayers are answered or not.

It is the name by which demons and evil spirits take to their heels, submit or are rendered silent dependent on the command stated before invoking the name of Jesus.

It is the name we honor through how we live our lives, in submission and service to God, while loving God and our fellow man.

Most importantly, it is the name belonging to the God-man who laid down his life as an atoning sacrifice for our many sins. It is in his name where we put our trust and confess that in ourselves, we could never hope to meet God's demands of a righteous life nor pay him back for the wrongs we committed against him. The sweet name of Jesus, gives us  the reassurance that our dark past no longer hold us captive nor define us but it his abundant mercy and grace that cleanses us. A grace that compels us to keep on pursuing him and his righteousness irregardless of the numerous times we fall short.

His name is hope for the day of our loving savior's presence. More than that, it gives us hope for tomorrow, that one day we will see him in all his glory and when that day comes we will sure know in great detail what encapsulates his name.

For some, the name Jesus is a curse word, be it in the standard English version or the Naija version.  For others, Jesus is a name that should be relegated to the pews on Sunday morning and uttered nowhere else. No matter, this time of year offers us the chance to reflect over that name. Not only is it a time for parties galore, a trip back home, a time to gain weight but a time spent thanking God for the birth of his son. A time when out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks or should I say sings in joyous gratitude to God. Joy to the World, The First Noel and The Little Drummer Boy are just some of the songs that evoke in us a special warmth synonymous with this special time of year. Jesus, is the name the world will celebrate in different ways come December 25th. Regardless, of the long year, with all its ups and downs, it gives me a chance to reflect upon the faithfulness of Jesus towards me.

Many years ago, Jesus birth heralded hope for mankind. It was a joyous time for his parents, the shepherds and the wise men. His name will continue to live long in the memory and I will no doubt give thanks to Jesus yet again for his profound impact in my life.

From Bro-kenness to Bro-mance

Ever wonder what went through Jacob's mind as he prepared for a grand-stand showdown with his long-lost big brother?  I certainly do. After cheating his brother of his birthright and his father's blessing, it's fair to say Esau and Jacob weren't on the friendliest of terms. Matter of fact, Jacob had to flee for dear life lest his brother grant him a swift, first class trip to the after-life. Years had gone by since that fateful occurrence and now the stage was set for a dramatic family reunion.

Genesis 32 gives you the impression that Jacob was a nervous wreck. Why wouldn't he be? He'd just received word that his brother was coming to meet him with an entourage of 400 men! That was surely reason for concern. This must have set the alarm bells ringing in Jacob's head.

"Itakuwa ngori, bila yesu ni mwisho wa stori." I know Kelele Takatifu hadn't been born by then, neither had their parents been, nor their parents' parents before that. Obviously neither was their hit ngori even a concept at the time but surely at the back of Jacob's mind, as he wrestled with the uncertainty of being reacquainted with his brother,  he must have been firmly convinced of the Hebrew equivalent of, "round this bila yesu ni mwisho wa stori."

His elaborate contingency plans revealed a man who was very much under siege. His fervent prayer to God asking for deliverance leaves us in no doubt over the state he was in. Fear had gripped him, anxiety had consumed him and stress was certainly giving him the run-around. He was convinced that his relationship with his brother was broken to the point of no-return. He was certain his brother was back to settle a score. Contrary to his expectations though, it didn't quite turn out as he had earlier feared.

Esau did not launch a brutal attack on his brother nor on his family. He and his 400 men did not go for the jugular as was expected. Esau ran towards Jacob alright, but not to initiate an attack on his brother. No, he ran out to give his brother some proper TLC. He ran and threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. (Genesis 33:4)

Wait...what? He did what?  He kissed him? Esau? The macho-son of Isaac and Rebekah who hunted and caught game like a boss? The guy who was No-shave November for practically the whole year? The very same man who had said, "The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob."(Genesis 27:41)

Yup, that man. The one and only. Esau himself. One would have expected Esau to brandish a sword, a spear, an axe or something to lash at Jacob with. One would have expected  Esau to be 'courteous' to his dear baby brother by thrusting a weapon into his abdomen. Surely, Esau would have launched a barrage of foul-mouthed expletives, before describing in detail his sinister plan to execute Jacob as super-villains in movies do in typical drama-king fashion. One would have imagined wounds run deep and Esau would serve his 'chef' brother, a panache of revenge with an accompaniment of  slow pain, seasoned with drama on an icy-cold dish. Except he didn't. None of the above was forthcoming.

Which begs the question, what transpired between Jacob's deception and Genesis 33 that transforms Esau from a man intent on killing his brother to a man intent on kissing his brother? What transformation occurred in Esau's heart that saw pardoning love overcome vengeful hate?

It's a question whose answer would be especially useful to us given the post-election hostilities witnessed in Kawangware and other parts of the country. It's an answer that would go far in settling long-held tribal conflicts, family feuds, beefs between former friends and church members.

The two brothers illustrated to a fault, "Kiss and makeup." One has to wonder, is their reconciliation beyond the warring tribal hostilities in Kenya? Are our wounds so deep, that once every 5 years, we have to resign ourselves to the fact that our pent-up hostilities will blow up in our faces? Is the Esau-Jacob reconciliation beyond the reach of former friends, former business partners, former work colleagues?

What I find interesting in Jacob and Esau's reconciliation is that neither made references to the historical injustice of the father blessing. Neither of them reminded the other of the past? Certainly not Esau. In as much as Jacob may have alluded to it with his bowing seven times, his generous gift, he didn't quite go on record saying, "Bro, I messed up years back, please forgive me." Neither did Esau go on the record demanding an apology and a compensation for the stolen birthright and father blessing.

Esau, I guess, chose to let go. He chose to let go of his bitterness, to let go of his rage, to let go of his entitlement to recompense or retribution. I guess that's essentially what forgiveness is about;letting go. Letting go of one's anger, letting go of the pain, letting go of the siege mentality, letting go of the schemes of how to get back at the offender.

How exactly did he do it because letting go isn't always easy? Especially in the face of real injustices, real cases of wrong-doing, it can be terribly difficult. Letting go represents the best option when the damage already done is of inestimable hurt and no amount of compensation, financial or non-financial can make up for it. Isn't that where we find ourselves as a nation and also in our inter-personal relations? How can we address decade-long injustices of incomparable hurt and damage? How can a land resettlement or a leader coming to power make up for years of real or perceived ethnic marginalization? How can a gift or written apology make up for years of indifference and failure to acknowledge culpability or wrong-doing?

Good as they may be, they can sometimes fall short of achieving total reconciliation. Forgiveness, in my view, hits the highest notes when it comes to singing the song of total reconciliation. Forgiveness is the ultimate act of grace and mercy, as one extends kindness and love to someone who may not deserve it  and is no position to compensate for their past unjust actions. Forgiveness will go a long way in ending tribalism in our country, it will go a long way in ending family feuds, ending decade-long bitterness between former friends among others.

Pray, tell me, what good is nursing a siege mentality against a tribe or another person doing you? Does it keep you smiling to the bank even after KRA have taken their monthly dues? Has it taken your GPA to unparalleled heights? Has it gotten your deals better than those ones of Black Friday? Has it given you mystical powers to wake up late and beat the traffic? Has it enabled your car to be service-free for years?

Is being prejudiced against someone and getting your friends to do the same doing you the world of good? Does it ensure the baby is as silent as a graveyard during the night while your friends take turns in their homes to  soothe baby at 3 am? Does it plaster over the pain of continually saying, "Next season" or, "Wenger Out" ? Does it get rid of bedbugs? Does it nullify the pain of menstrual cramps? Does it enable you to maintain your waistline despite consuming fries and ice cream galore while your friends do cross fit, slim possible and still gain weight?

I can tell you for free, it has done me nothing. Absolutely nothing. If anything, it has actually held me back. All the while I have had a siege mentality, I have enjoyed no special immunity to life's punches. Unforgiveness has been anything but rewarding. I have tarmacked, I have been broke, I have had a back problem for almost 2 years, I have  had no-one to call bae for far, far longer than that, I have witnessed Manutd finish sixth and worse, finish below Arsenal. I have even seen my hair turn grey. Anger, siege mentality, unforgiveness didn't help me one bit.

Is that state of mind really worth the hype? I doubt Esau thought it did and that could explain why he let go and the ensuing transformation occurred. I doubt Jacob's own son, Joseph, thought the same and chose to pardon not one but his other 10 brothers.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13) That's an imperative given to christians that perhaps me and you ought to take to heed of.  I do not dispute the facts, Pogroms have occurred. so has ethnic profiling even at the workplace. People have been violently displaced from their land, siblings have been used as sponsors, women have been raped and sexually harassed too many times to even count, people have been stabbed in the back and much more at the hands of their offenders. Forgive, It may be more than a mouthful to accept and I don't blame you. But, if you consider that Christ forgave you for far worse than the above, it's not exactly mission impossible.

The Son of God, the firstborn of all creation and  utterly flawless should have been given more than a heroe's welcome when he resided on earth. Instead, he lived a homeless life shorn of a lot of basic comforts. Instead of being identified as the Prince of Peace, he was humiliatingly called Beelzebub, the Prince of demons. After rendering the incredible service of teaching paradigm-shifting principles, healing the sick, providing food for some, resurrecting a few,  a good number thought crucifixion was a just payment for his sacrificial service.

Despite being found guilty of nothing, He was nailed to a cross for crimes he never committed and suffered a painful death. Who killed him? Believe it or not, it was me, you and every other human being who ever has lived and who will live. How? For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God(Romans 3:23). The wages of that sin is death. We were supposed to die because of sin but God loved us too much to let that happen. Instead he sent Jesus, who lovingly chose to take the fall for us and have all the wrath of God fall on him on the cross. Our sins and iniquities nailed him on that cross as he willingly accepted to endure the wrath of God on our behalf.

Certainly that was the greatest injustice in history for Jesus did not deserve to die in such an excruciating and humiliating manner. Neither did we deserve to be spared and given a short at life. Yet God faced  that fact and let go. Not only were we forgiven by the very same one we murdered, he extended his hand of grace with the ridiculous offer of eternal life to all who would accept him, believe him and put their trust in him. If he could forgive us for that, so can we forgive each other as tribes, as feuding family members, as former friends, and like Esau and Jacob experience the joy of brotherhood and dispel the bro-kenness of unforgiveness that has held us back for so long.

Anger and hate are two very destructive emotions. They are also extremely over-hyped and counter-productive. James observes this when he says in James 1: 19-20, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick  to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. For man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."

Whereas peace, harmony are two constructive states of being that are greatly under-rated. They will forever remain illusory to those who persist in nursing a siege mentality against a brother, a sister, an ethnic group, a gender, a former lover. Don't let hate consume you, don't let pent-up anger rule you. People mess up, some big time. It's life. Let go. Don't late their actions hold you captive. Free yourself from the enslavement of their wrong-doing by letting go. Contrary to what you may believe, you're not weak for doing it, you're just sensible enough to realize there is more to life than holding a grudge against someone. There is more to being right. There is more to maintaining a vengeful antagonism towards something or someone. That more, is there for all and sundry who will let go.

 Life is too short to waste on bitterness, and nursing a grudge doesn't add a day to your life. I would argue it does the opposite and beyond that, it takes a couple. As a nation, as a people, letting go of the hostilities will do us the world of good. Look what it did to Esau, it could do the same for us, if we gave it a go. Christ certainly showed us how to, and by God's grace we can follow his example.

Lessons from my wife material list

Image credit: insightcreative.com

Picture this scene. A lady sits on the edge of her sofa. She pulls the hairs of her head in frustration, all the while, unleashing a series of exasperated clicks with a 'mschew' to boot. She shakes her head in disgust, almost in defiance to what is unraveling before her very eyes.

"What's wrong with that chick? Can't she see he's not interested in her?" She complains aloud. The character on  screen can't hear her, and lucky for her she can't. For if she did, she would have  been on the receiving end of a serious tongue-lashing; being berated for her choice of love interest.

Spanish or mexican telemundos aside, choice of romantic partners is serious business. One does not simply choose anyone as you would a soda bottle on a shelf of sodas. It is the result of careful selection. One does not find himself in the Friend-zone by happenstance. My friend, you are there by design.

I was one to be, shall we say, 'extremely selective' when it came to the choice of a girlfriend. Matter of fact, my meticulous selection manifested itself in the formulation of 'The list.'  It was THE list and not A list because it was a carefully thought-out set of criteria designed to ensure the terrible fate that befell those Spanish characters would not be one I shared.

The list was the bonafide assessment in determining who was girlfriend material and who wasn't for me.  It was my prized vetoing tool that took no prisoners. If the lady was out, she was out, no excuses or second-guessing; she was out.

Many a lady failed to make the cut, and I will divulge as to why. The list was a  perfect balance between style and substance. It was where imagination met realism, where fantasy met pragmatism, where fairy-tale met true story. I was a gentleman keen on finding Mrs Right and I intended that I didn't have to go through plenty of near misses to get her.

The list was categorized into 3 sections. Green flags, Yellow flags and Red flags. Green flags were desirable girlfriend or wife material qualities. They were deal breakers. The ones that said Go. Go for her. The first of these green flags was that the lady had to be God-fearing. God-fearing seems to be a cliche this days, so I will expound and leave no room for ambiguity.

By God-fearing, she had to love Jesus, not just by word but by her lifestyle. She wasn't just to be a church-goer but be the church,  Monday to Saturday as well. She had to belong to a small group of christians who regularly studied the bible together and prayed together. Even better, was if she was their leader. She had to be involved in church serving in some capacity rather than just merely occupying a space in the pews every Sunday. Basically, Jesus was not just a pardoner to her, or just her escape-hell pass or just her protector or just her prosperity-giver or just her healer but her LORD, whom she cherished, revered and allowed to pervade her life.

Two, she had to be industrious, or hardworking. She had to possess an admirable work-ethic. Three, she had to be a conversationalist; somebody with whom I could talk for hours. Four, she had to be combative for her principles and values. Yaani, if I were as much as to infringe them, she would read me the riot act. She would defend them in a manner similar to the way Manutd defended at Anfield. (if only Utd could have done the same against Huddersfield)

Five, she had to be candid. Honest. Truthful. Authentic. Real. Just tell like it is. She had to be a woman who spoke her mind, said what she meant and meant what she said. The list goes up to 15. As you can gather, this list isn't a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination. I didn't call it THE list for nothing.

Six to fifteen, She had to be supportive(empathetic and sympathetic). She had to be selfless or altruistic, moderate in make-up and dress, witty, vibrant, humble, sociable, articulate, smart, proactive, a sports enthusiast. You might think there is no margin for error. You might think, "Ken, no girl like this exists!!!"  Imagine I hear you. That's where the yellow flags come in.

The list was practical and is cognizant of the fact that nobody is perfect. Just as I didn't envision a lady who had all 15 red flags but had a couple of them, I envisioned a lady who might have 1 or 2 flaws. Nobody is perfect, somewhere along the line mistakes were made and so THE list made allowances for that in the Yellow flags' section.The yellow flags consisted of the issues a potential girlfriend would have that I could compromise on. The undesirable qualities I would skip over.

One, she could be God-fearing as explained above but got a child out of wedlock. I wouldn't close the door on her. Two, she could be God-fearing, witty, industrious, humble, smart but be the Christian chini ya maji. I wouldn't entirely dismiss her. Three, she could be a believer, slowly working out her faith  but still struggle with leading a double life of being in church one day, the club the other. I wouldn't dismiss her.

Maybe she believed in Jesus, was hard working, smart but was exhibitionist in her dressing. Maybe she was a God fearing, a small group leader but had a past littered with plenty of sexual encounters with the wrong men. Maybe she was a conversationalist, a great cook, articulate, witty but struggled with identity and felt compelled to share pictures of herself on social media to get validation from people. I believed I would make exceptions for these kind of ladies. I new I would date or married a flawed person, I had to accept the fact. Hence, I readied myself to take some flaws and prayed God would give me the patience to accept them for who they were. In addition, I prayed that God would give me grace to trust him in changing her to his desired ideal rather than my ideal of her. However, there were some flaws, I wanted nothing to deal with. There were some qualities that would make me run for dear life. There were some issues that I just said No. These were red flags

They were the stop, turn back and run qualities. One, a non-believer. No Jesus, no relationship. I didn't believe in dating someone and trying to change them for Christ. That was out of the question not to mention selfish. I reiterate; no Jesus, no relationship.

Two, a lady who is belligerent, a lady who is always spoiling for a verbal fight, constantly competing with me and trying to prove she possessed an admirable intellect. A lady perpetually insisting on proving a point, a point which I had never disputed in the first place! She would be a drain. A lady insistent on proving herself to me would send me scampering for dear life.

Three, A lady who is reticent. I hate hints. Did I say I hate hints? Well I do, and I'm no mind reader and I will never be one, so a lady who insisted on me reading her mind through hints was the death of me. A lady who chooses to be silent, keeps her opinions to herself and is generally reluctant to reveal what she truly thinks or feels is a lady whom I just didn't want a future with. I thrived on communication, but I knew I would crumble on reticence so this was an undisputed red flag.

Fourth, an irresponsible lady, someone who shifted the blame, always pointing fingers at everyone but herself. That grinds me. Just accept culpability for something you have done wrong. Apologize for it, don't make excuses, just confess, don't shift the blame. A lady who couldn't fess up seemed likely to me a lady who would mess me up.

As comprehensive as THE list was,my attachment to it dwindled. Or should I say, I gave God THE list and trusted him to provide me with a wife. Proverbs 19:14- "Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord." That verse became the NEW list and  I subsequently left it to God and instead focused not on finding the right person but becoming the right person for whom God had in mind to give me.

Looking back, I am thankful God didn't have a list when he chose me as a life partner, if he did, I wouldn't have hacked. There I was; shy, reticent, a serial ogler, passive, disinterested in his word and so dull in understanding it. disinterested in attending church, unwilling to sing praises to him and instead stand still and silent during the praise and worship. There I was, belligerent, trying to fight God by thinking I was right in my choices of movies, TV, music and leisure, when I was very wrong. I was irresponsible about my iniquities and shifted the blame to others. I was reticent and refused to confess them before him, trying to give God hints by 'feeling sorry enough' for a considerable amount of time after my every wrong doing.

Man, I was a catalogue of  red flags yet God accepted me in spite of those red flags. Make no mistake, he didn't love me because of what I did for him, he loved me in spite of who I am. He had every right to pull a 'no romance bila finance' placard or in my case 'no eternity bila sanctity' placard. There he was the perfect 10, accepting a floundering -10,000 and still counting. What love, what unfailing love.

I guess it's why David asked, "O LORD, what is man that you care for him, the son of man that you think of him."(Psalms 144:3) He didn't just start with me. He loved Adam and Eve in spite of them thinking they knew better than him by choosing the fruit.That was a big red flag, but in love, he clothed them and despite sending them out of Eden, he still cared for them

What of Samson, who had  big red flags in being individualistic and vengeful, only using his God-given strength to get even with others and never using it for God's glory. Yet God still listened to him when he was captured by the Philistines and gave him strength for one last time even if it was for yet another act of vengeance.

How about the red flags galore in Peter,  who was disloyal and denied him 3 times. Yet, in spite of that infidelity, God still saw him as the Rock of the Church.

Who can forget Paul, a red flag par excellence as a murderer, killing Jesus own followers, yet Jesus loved him in spite of that and appointed him as his chosen instrument to the gentiles. That's why Paul says in 1 Timothy 1:15-16- "Here is a trust worthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came in to the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst but  for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him."

Hosea's promiscuous wife painted the picture of not only Israel being unfaithful but also ourselves as today's church. We cheat on him, again and again yet God keeps coming back  for us again and again. Red flag after red flag. It's humbling that God chose me irrespective of my red flags and worse I had no green flags for him. It's incredible he skips over THE list that the devil and other principalities may want to shove in his face highlighting my unsuitability. He chose a wretch like me, He chose so many others like myself, no GREEN flags but an avalanche of red flags and still showers us with this mercy and grace to this very day.

A litany of red flags, yet God still loves me. God still loves you. Romans 8:35-39: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long;we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, neither present nor future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Certainly not a list of red flags can separate me from his love. That, is a massive relief. No green flags, a tonne of red flags; yet, he accepted me. I am forever grateful.

aFARThali wacha niseme

Image Credit: knowyourmeme.com

Not too long ago I nearly raised a scene at the office. I had just come from having my customary chapati and beans at one of the kibandas I frequented during lunch break. I was all set for the closing hours of my shift, all set except for my tummy.

My tummy was by no means ready. He was clearly rattled by something. Being the sentimental tummy he was,  he had caught feelings and he wasn't one to hold back.  The undertones of his discomfort were threatening to unravel in the most spectacular of farts, and I couldn't for the life of me understand why.

Well, Ok, maybe I could. Perhaps it was because I wolfed down the chapo and beans as if the world would end that day. That's the likeliest of causes because I doubt it was the kibanda, but maybe, just maybe the cooks at the Kibanda had messed up big time. My hypothesis was interrupted by yet another churning of my stomach and I became rather concerned. As much as I was keen on unearthing an answer, I was definitely not keen on unearthing my discomfort to the whole office in the form of a fart.

I remember the numerous times I contorted my body, squirming on my seat, suppressing that fart so that it remained ndani, ndani, ndaaani kabisa. Why had my stomach decided to be a mtiaji all of a sudden? He groaned and grumbled so much that all I could do was fervently pray that the churning wouldn't sound that loud. I didn't want it to blare out like a machine gun or worse, come out like a whoopy cushion. Compounding matters was the fact that a pin-drop silence had engulfed the office as my colleagues busied themselves with whatever jobs they had been assigned. In this silence, any small noise would be discernible. Thankfully, the printer was in use, and any stomach churning that was above the normal decibel level was drowned by the noise of the printer.

When the shift finally ended, and I was a safe distance away from the office complex or my colleagues for that matter; I let hell loose and supplied the environment with a generous amount of C02 gas. I must add that I did this continuously to nobody's discomfort.

I'm guessing you're wondering what weed this guy is smoking to narrate this rather unpleasant ordeal. Believe me, there is a point to all this. Matter of fact, after reflecting upon my harrowing experience trying to conserve the quality of air then inevitably having to pollute the air, I reached to the conclusion that farting is acutely similar to confession.

Think about it, confessing sin is very much like farting. It's unpleasant when you do it in front of a group of people or even just one person. No-one wants to do it. After all, who wants to be remembered as 'that guy who farted in the office.' When you fart there will be no one to defend you saying, "My lords, I refute the disparaging remarks made by these miscreants alleging that my client emitted a pungent odor. Their predilection to besmirch the person of my friend is a wanton show of cruelty.Their allegations ought to be treated as conjectures of the egregious kind that should have remained confined to the periphery of their subconscious minds."

Si, ningekuwa supreme court ama namna gani? Anyway, no-one in his/her right mind will want to fart in a crowd just the same way no-one wants to confess. Therefore, we will go to all lengths to suppress the fart no matter the levels of discomfort, desperately keeping it under wraps for fear of embarrassment and shame. We desperately 'kaza' our sins as if our lives depended on it and pray that no-one notices the churning of our lifestyle that threatens to expose our sin.

The funny thing is that we conceal what everyone has done and will continue to do. Everyone farts. I mean everyone. Your parents, your colleagues, your boss, your crush. Everyone. Everyone sins too. From your worship leader to the elder, the pastor. Everyone has sinned, sins and will sin. No-one is infallible.Why then should we be ashamed to speak about what everyone else does? For fear of our reputation? A sinless reputation, which we don't have? We suppress our sins to cover up for an inexistent sinless reputation?? That doesn't make any sense.

When I finally let loose, I felt the relief. I felt my stomach take a chill pill and rest easy. So it is with sin. Confess it and find relief. Note, that I didn't say I let it loose in the office but away from it, at a convenient place. The convenient place for disclosing sin is prayer. Sin should be confessed to God not concealed. David in Psalms 32:3-4 said, "While I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of the summer." Selah

Suppressing sin tends to have that effect. Your bones waste away. Guilt eats at your conscience. Peace of mind is but a distant dream. In its stead, is anxiety, fear, a heavy heart burdened by past mistakes.

The tonic to suppression is described in verse 5 of Psalms 32, "Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, " I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"- and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

1 John 1:9 provides further compelling evidence as it reads, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Jesus didn't save us just so that we could be blessed materially and get a pass to heaven. He saved us so that we could have a relationship with him. An intimate relationship with him where we commune with him and share with him our thoughts and sentiments and he shares his thoughts with us. When we sin and suppress it, that intimacy is severed, to gain it back requires we confess our sin. He isn't waiting with a baton to beat the life of us when were done. He longs to restore us, to pardon us and to purify us from all unrighteousness so that we can relate with him freely once more.

Confession doesn't discredit our salvation, it authenticates it by revealing we  sin and struggle with it and we require God's grace to help us overcome it. Whereas on the the other hand, keeping silent about it, or denying we sin discredits God as 1 John 1:10 says, " if we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts."

Numerous times I've confessed that I've sinned.

I've confessed that I've harbored bitterness and been resentful of other people.

I've confessed that I've been slothful and sometimes over-desire rest, comfort and the preservation of my daily, individualistic routine at the expense of giving myself away for service in the church or  service to the community.

I've confessed to being hesitant to use my spiritual gifts, hesitant to take up more responsibilities in church when I've felt God calling me to do so.

I've confessed to being too passive, indecisive and lethargic when I should have acted or spoken.

I've confessed to being cynical of other christians' growth and resenting that they are Christians chini ya maji and by so doing allowing sinful pride to dominate my heart.

I've confessed I've been angry at people instead of being angry at the injustices of the world or angry that people are rushing towards an eternity without God.

I've confessed that I've lustfully looked at the thighs and cleavages of many a woman.

I've confessed that I've dishonored God with my thoughts by fantasizing of women in revealing clothing or worse, that I've fantasized of masochism.

I've  confessed to being guilty of misogyny and being prejudiced against women because of their nuances and double standards sometimes.

The above list makes for uncomfortable reading, doesn't it? Why the airing of dirty linen? Stinky linen you might add? It's exactly why I say confessing is a fart, something about opening up about one's sins in front of others is akin to a 'verbal' stink. It isn't pleasant, believe me I know but I have my reasons for doing so.

I've done so not because I believe God's grace gives me the right to do as I please. No it doesn't, Sin offends God and I feel gutted when I've grieved him once again. I've also confessed not because I yearned to be perfect or I that I was keeping a scorecard of my rights and wrongs but I've done it so that God could restore the close fellowship between me and him as David inferred in Psalms 51: 10-11 when he said, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me."

It hasn't just been confessing to God but to others as well. James 5: 16 is my go to verse in this regard. It reads, " Therefore confess your sins to each other, pray for each other so that you may be healed." This is where the need for an accountability partner or a small group comes in. There is a need to confide in someone as unpleasant as it sounds. Sure, you fear what others may perceive you but I guess Romans 14:4 is a good verse to remember, "Who are you to judge someone else's servant. To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

Confessing to accountability partners or my small group has brought me relief. As Proverbs 28:13 reminds us, "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. " Confessing to others has given me peace of mind and enabled me to re-continue my walk with God. Like Paul, I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.(Acts 24:16). A clear conscience as a result of confessed sin trumps a divided conscience because of unconfessed sin, the latter damaging my intimacy with God.

Suppressing sin like a fart, and hiding it, in the end does far more damage than good. The prodigal went back to his father, tail in his legs, because of sin and he was welcomed back with open arms. Moreover, he was restored. The same treatment awaits those who are humble enough to confess their sin before God.

Therefore, I urge you, don't suppress your sin like a fart, let it out to God, let it out to an accountability partner, let it out to your small group and you will find relief.

Unlabeled!

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It was supposed to be his last hoorah, his grandstand finish  but instead of being treated to yet another spell-binding display of athletics, we had to settle for Usain's bolt stab at the relay coming to a premature end due to an unfortunate hamstring injury. Not the fairy-tale ending befitting  a legend, but that's sports for you, paying no attention to scripts.

That's just half the story though. Earlier in the World Championships, in Bolt's penultimate race, the 100m final; Justin Gatlin took home the Gold, Chris Coleman the silver medal and Bolt finished in an uncharacteristic 3rd place. The crowd didn't take too kindly to Gatlin's victory as evidenced by the cacophony of boos that greeted him.  " Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!'' must have been the words ringing at the back of his mind in spite of his moment of triumph.

Gatlin has been cast as the pantomime villain and it seems that the label won't be shrugged off any time soon. Once a cheat always a cheat , it seems, and the general public is in no hurry to give him the benefit of doubt.

Gatlin's case showcases man's penchant for unforgiveness. It's as if Gatlin is the sum total of his mistakes and nothing more. It's as if he will always have to live with the indiscretions of his past and have the label of 'cheat' shoved in his face at the slightest opportunity.

It draws me to two parallels in the bible; Peter and Judas. Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver and immediately after was stricken with guilt. He beat himself up about it , and racked with remorse, he concluded that he couldn't live with the label of traitor and tragically took his own life.

Probably the fear of how others would perceive him paralyzed him. Probably he envisioned the constant finger-pointing, the hushed tones behind his back, and it set his teeth on edge. It drove him to the brink and fearing that no-one would forgive him he took his life.

Contrast that to the story of Peter, a  man whom many would say is representative of us. Walking on water one moment, sinking the next. Declaring Jesus as the Christ one moment, being rebuked the next.Peter had his crisis moment shortly after Jesus' arrest. Not once but 3 times he denied Jesus after you remember; he asserted he would never disown him (Mark 14:27-31), well he did, big time.

He couldn't hide from that fact once the cock crowed. He wept uncontrollably and who could blame him? He disowned Jesus after vowing he would not, He disowned the man whom he had come to know as Rabbi, the man who made him walk on water, the man who healed his mother, the man who helped him catch a miraculous haul of fish and the list of miracles  goes on. Imagine his regret and despair, his self-condemnation thereafter. He beat himself up about it no doubt. He didn't go the Judas route of suicide but one couldn't help but think he may have considered it.

Surely the words, 'Traitor! Traitor! Traitor' lingered in the periphery of his mind, even after Jesus' resurrection. Like Gatlin, even in your moments of conquest, even in your victories in academia or the corporate world or the arts or sports, you still hear some form of backlash in your mind,

"Traitor! Traitor! Traitor!"
"Junkie! Junkie! Junkie!"
"Wasted!Wasted!Wasted!"
"Crack-dealer! Crack-dealer!Crack-dealer!"
"Failure!Failure!Failure!"
"Never amount to anything! Never amount to anything!Never amount to anything!"
"Has been! Has been! Has been! "
"Side-chick!Side-chick!Side-chick!"
"Party-animal! Party-animal! Party-animal!"
"Pervert! Pervert! Pervert!"

Do those accusatory labels pop up once so every often to remind of you of the skeletons in your closet when your compromised on your integrity and plagiarized a report. When you threw caution to the wind and imbibed alcohol galore that led to you being found sprawled on the floor in some gutter puking your guts out. Was it a haunting memory of a time of self-gratification in front of the screen or was it a night of sex in a rented room with a guy or girl you'd wish to forget?

Might it have been what Peter had thought when Jesus asked him, "Do you love me?" at the closing chapter of the book of John. In spite of him responding in the affirmative, maybe he paused and dwelt on the 'get behind me Satan' rebuke. Then when Jesus asked him the same question a second time, maybe he remembered the last supper and the strong assertion he made that he would never fall away. Surely he grimaced, knowing fully well he did fall away in spectacular fashion. Then came the question for a third time..."Do you love me?" "Why does my LORD ask me a third time...wait...a third time...the cock!!!! Oh no he wouldn't!!!" Probably the realization of his denial hit him in the face. Was he disowning Jesus thrice for a second time? Might he have choked when he replied,"Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Maybe  in church as the song, "I give myself away so that you can use me', blares out, in the back of your mind that doesn't quite resonate with you because you know full too well that you're holding so much back.  When the praise and worship urges the congregation to sing, "Everyday it's you I live for...everyday I follow after you" but in the back of mind you realize you live for paper and the approval of your peers even if it means putting Jesus in a box.

Jesus didn't berate Peter for his denial after that exchange. Jesus didn't  tell him how he'd let him down in his moment of need. Jesus didn't read him the riot act for disowning him after all the miracles he had done. Instead he gave him a preview of what death Peter would die glorifying God, effectively forgiving him and reinstating him as the Rock.

That same Peter, was the one who preached when the Holy Spirit came down on Pentecost and 3000 gave their lives to Christ. Notice the other disciples did not cry, "Traitor! Traitor! Traitor!" as he did so nor did they boo or heckle him as he preached.They didn't slander him nor did God boom down from heaven to voice his disapproval  of Peter. That's a comfort for you and me who have fallen away like Peter did.

We aren't the sum total of our mistakes. We aren't defined by our 1 misdemeanor or even a string of them. Jesus pardon defines us like it did Peter and we don't have to leave in perpetual regret, shame or self-condemnation because of what we did in the past. We move on. We shouldn't cower in the face of, "Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!"

Rather we ought to believe and remember in our mind:

"Forgiven! Forgiven! Forgiven!"

"Child of God! Child of God! Child of God!"

"Saved by Grace! Saved by Grace! Saved by Grace!"

"New creation! New creation! New Creation!" For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.(Proverbs 24:16) Peter rose again. We rise again and don't have to live as labels because we are not labels, neither are we our past mistakes, we are children of God and God himself is very able to complete the work he started in us beginning when he called us to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior to the very end regardless of the hiccups along the way.(Philippians 1:6)

Beat the chills

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It's safe to conclude that there's never a dull moment in Kenya.  Nyahururu residents were treated to the unprecedented spectacle of  snow not too long ago. Yes, snow!!! Let's indulge ourselves a bit and ignore the guys at the Kenya Meteorological Department; it actually 'snowed' in Kenya. It's been that cold this July.

I'm accustomed to my birth month being synonymous with near sub-zero temperatures but this...this is just too far much. Drastic times therefore call for drastic measures. I have made it a cardinal rule to sit in the front row behind the driver's seat in a matatu even if I will have to assume the role of co-conductor and possibly be part of a 5-man sandwich. The radiant heat emanating from the engine compartment is worthy compensation for the intrusion of my personal space.(plus there's added perk of body heat)

Having intensely observed my cat's sleeping posture, I have further been equipped with profound insights to keep warm. I have resorted to contorting my body and curling up in a figure 4 position to optimize my body's heat retention capabilities as I sleep. Prior to adopting this sleeping position, I have seen it  prudent to lie on my bed for around 15 minutes just before I sleep, this pre-warming technique has been especially invaluable in ensuring the bed sheets 'changamka kidogo' because the fabric can feel so cold on the skin at night.

Polyester pants have served me well this period. In addition, ironing my pants/shirts or even socks just before  wearing them has been just as effective, not forgetting walking briskly and layering. Spare a thought for those who live in Iceland, just  how they hack it is anyone's guess?

As much as I'm for being warm at all costs, they are those who don't keep warm, not in the colloquial sense of the word. I mean those who are cold, or to put it plainly, whose hearts are as cold as ice. They go about life griping and wining, wearing a permanent scowl on their face with crease lines perpetually running across their foreheads. They didn't beat the chills, the chills beat them.

I would know, because I was one of them; almost always brooding, sulky, seeking sympathy from all quarters and believing i was entitled to people feeling woiyee for me, the chills got me bad. Looking back, I figured why I was such, I figured out why many are as such. The chills stem primarily from emotional hurt, and it's fair to say that the hurt isn't always as people-induced as I would think it to be.

Let's take a trip down memory lane...you and me. You thought it was just my problem. Guess again. This cycle I am about to narrate may well include you as the lead actor.

Episode 1- The Expectation

Being the rational being you are, with knowledge and wisdom to boot, you develop expectations.

"Guys will share this post and it will go viral."

" She won't friendzone me, I think I'm an upgrade on her ex."

" They will accept my friend request"

" Dad has to be there for me on my graduation."

" The church will help us out."

" There's no way she can date my ex, she's my bff."

" He will pay me back as promised."

Episode 2- The performance

The post doesn't go viral, neither is it shared, nor is it liked. I get friend-zoned big time na niko ndaani,ndaani, ndani kabisa. Friend requests go unanswered, 4 months down the line. Dad isn't there on your graduation, or on your ruracio, or on your wedding, in fact he is never there at all. The church doesn't help you out, christians stigmatize you for getting peggars out of wedlock, christians don't come rushing to your aid when you're in financial need even when you bailed those christians out when they were in the red. She does date your ex, in fact, she's the reason why you're the ex. He doesn't pay on time, or one month after that, or 6 months after that, or one year after that and in that time he's gained weight, got a car and bought an iphone for his girlfriend.

Episode 3- Disappointment

I get disappointed. You get disappointed.

The sunken feeling of unmet expectations lingers in your heart. How could things have transpired the way they did? Why did they happen the way the did? How could I have been used like that? How could someone take advantage of my kindness like that? How could I have been played for a fool? Questions abound with no answers in sight.

Season finale- The Downward  Spiral
Then I get angry, bitter, resentful of the other person. How could he/she/they have done that? They become public enemy no 1. They are the problem. They are at fault.

I'll prove him/her/ them wrong. I'll work on myself, hit the gym till I get ripped, rise up the career ladder and become Kenneth 2.0 till they feel sorry for the way they treated me and beg for my forgiveness. My every move becomes about them, my offender-focused rage fueling my resilience to be a better version of me. The bitterness or siege mentality works it stuff, and refuses to welcome any thought of letting go of my anger. Only a solemn apology from the offender will do, anything less, won't cut it.

Thereafter, I refuse to speak to the offender. I  refrain from liking or sharing any of their posts, I block them or unfriend them from my social media accounts. I place them on the reject list in my phone so that I don't have to answer their calls. I badmouth them to my friends and expect my friends to distance themselves from the offender in question.


Have you ever found yourself in this cycle? It's a cycle for the simple reason that season 2 goes like this; in thinking that the offender will come around and apologize, you develop an expectation, he/she doesn't apologize(performance), you get disappointed and then angry and just like that season 2 is a mirror image of season 1 and the seasons keep on coming without any let up.

The result is we nurse a grudge. We think ill of the offender. We cannot for the life of us understand why he/she can't fess up that they did us wrong. As much as we don't sing 'solidarity forever' or hold placards, our hearts have gone on strike and will not resume working to love until the CBA(the offender's apology) arrives.

It's always the offenders fault! It's always his/her actions! I will be happy if THEY just apologized!
Is it really? Is it just solely the offender's fault?

Eleanor Roosevelt quipped, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." We are so keen on zeroing in on the performance of the other that we fail to realize our expectations in the first place are the biggest culprit, we and not them,are the reason why we feel angry or inferior.

Episode 1 and not 2 is where it all goes wrong. More times than we care to admit, we set unrealistic expectations. Many times, we set expectations in complete ignorance, then blame the offender for his/her wrongdoing, but remain mum on our ignorance or naivety. Many times we falsely think that our perspective of the truth is the gospel truth of how things should occur. Our perspective is a perspective; the reality/truth is so much different. Many times we misinterpret what people say/do, like I did, we perceive things not as they really are,  a recipe for disaster.

I have come to realize it's not always the offender's fault, it's mine for being ignorant of the person, the environment, the way things work, the way people behave. I have come to realize that the fault was mine for being naive, for misunderstanding someone's actions/motives, spoken words and failing to clarify what he/she meant and reaching false conclusions. It's my fault for thinking that my intuition was bang on cue, my fault for thinking that my perspective of truth was truth when the reality was and still is far different. Common sense isn't always that common because we have  varying perspectives on things.

And perhaps............., you have too.

The focus shouldn't always be on the offender but on ourselves as well, on our very skewed expectations.

This is just the stating point of beating the chills. The second point is also realizing we have the power to CHOOSE how to respond. We are not COMPELLED to respond because of another's ill treatment towards us. I am not my shame. I am not my bitterness. I am not my anger. I am not my siege mentality. I chose all those.

When I look at the life of Jesus, do I realize this. Jesus had  reason to choose to be bitter, sulky and angry, in fact he had a catalogue of reasons. He was rejected by guys in his own home town(Luke 4:14-30). His own brothers didn't believe him.(John 7:5) Pharisees claimed he drove out demons because his power was from demons!!!(Matthew 12:22-37). He healed 10  lepers yet only one came back to thank him(Luke 17:11-19). He was betrayed for only 30 pieces of silver. His trusted disciple Peter betrayed him three times. The crowd chose him(sinless God-man) to be crucified and pardoned a well-known prisoner, Barabbas, to go free in his stead.(Matthew 27:16-26)

He didn't leaved a charmed life that's for sure. He was hurt repetitively. He did not sulk. He did not go about whining about the wickedness of man. He wasn't constantly telling his disciples on how he would get back at the Pharisees. He didn't feel the need to prove his brothers wrong for not believing him. He didn't act to seek sympathy from others.

What he did was to continue the work God sent him, in spite of the hurt. He continued with his teaching, he continued healing, he continued driving out demons. That must have taken love and forgiveness. That must have meant, moderating his expectations of people and accepting their limitations rather than adopting a siege mentality against them. It must have meant bearing with them patiently, his persistent patience with them evidenced so strongly when he says to his disciples, "At last you believe!"(John 16:31 NIRV)

Jesus set an example for us to follow; not one of constant bickering or holding out for an apology, but one of letting go and loving. To keep warm, aside from moderating our expectations, we also ought to let go of our hurt, our bitterness, our resentment. I know it isn't easy but Jesus showed it by example in the face of hurts far greater than our own. Besides, since we have hurt Jesus and our sins put him on the cross, yet he forgives us and graciously gives us things, what right do we have not to be merciful and forgiving as he was, irrespective of how we were offended?

As Jesus lay dying on the cross, he asked God to forgive those who crucified him.He prayed for those who offended him.(Luke 23:34) Stephen did the same by praying for those who stoned him.(Acts 7:60) Beating the chills, means we too ought to forgive, we too ought to let our bitterness go, we too ought to pray for those who hurts us like Jesus did on the cross as well as Stephen.

It is not beyond our capability to do so as christians because we have not received a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline(2 Timothy 1:7) that overrides any vengeance or siege mentality and loves back.

Being cynical, isolating yourself, seeking sympathy doesn't beat the chills, it only reinforces them.
As Louise Erdrich said, "Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with it's yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

Fear of hurt shouldn't force you to live as a cynic or in isolation. At whatever point in your life, may you draw lessons from your past hurt and may that in turn lead you to moderate your expectations to avoid making the same mistakes. Follow Jesus example, as he patiently bore with us, may we bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances we may have against each other and forgave as the Lord forgave us( Colossians 3:12-14)