Lessons from my wife material list

Image credit: insightcreative.com

Picture this scene. A lady sits on the edge of her sofa. She pulls the hairs of her head in frustration, all the while, unleashing a series of exasperated clicks with a 'mschew' to boot. She shakes her head in disgust, almost in defiance to what is unraveling before her very eyes.

"What's wrong with that chick? Can't she see he's not interested in her?" She complains aloud. The character on  screen can't hear her, and lucky for her she can't. For if she did, she would have  been on the receiving end of a serious tongue-lashing; being berated for her choice of love interest.

Spanish or mexican telemundos aside, choice of romantic partners is serious business. One does not simply choose anyone as you would a soda bottle on a shelf of sodas. It is the result of careful selection. One does not find himself in the Friend-zone by happenstance. My friend, you are there by design.

I was one to be, shall we say, 'extremely selective' when it came to the choice of a girlfriend. Matter of fact, my meticulous selection manifested itself in the formulation of 'The list.'  It was THE list and not A list because it was a carefully thought-out set of criteria designed to ensure the terrible fate that befell those Spanish characters would not be one I shared.

The list was the bonafide assessment in determining who was girlfriend material and who wasn't for me.  It was my prized vetoing tool that took no prisoners. If the lady was out, she was out, no excuses or second-guessing; she was out.

Many a lady failed to make the cut, and I will divulge as to why. The list was a  perfect balance between style and substance. It was where imagination met realism, where fantasy met pragmatism, where fairy-tale met true story. I was a gentleman keen on finding Mrs Right and I intended that I didn't have to go through plenty of near misses to get her.

The list was categorized into 3 sections. Green flags, Yellow flags and Red flags. Green flags were desirable girlfriend or wife material qualities. They were deal breakers. The ones that said Go. Go for her. The first of these green flags was that the lady had to be God-fearing. God-fearing seems to be a cliche this days, so I will expound and leave no room for ambiguity.

By God-fearing, she had to love Jesus, not just by word but by her lifestyle. She wasn't just to be a church-goer but be the church,  Monday to Saturday as well. She had to belong to a small group of christians who regularly studied the bible together and prayed together. Even better, was if she was their leader. She had to be involved in church serving in some capacity rather than just merely occupying a space in the pews every Sunday. Basically, Jesus was not just a pardoner to her, or just her escape-hell pass or just her protector or just her prosperity-giver or just her healer but her LORD, whom she cherished, revered and allowed to pervade her life.

Two, she had to be industrious, or hardworking. She had to possess an admirable work-ethic. Three, she had to be a conversationalist; somebody with whom I could talk for hours. Four, she had to be combative for her principles and values. Yaani, if I were as much as to infringe them, she would read me the riot act. She would defend them in a manner similar to the way Manutd defended at Anfield. (if only Utd could have done the same against Huddersfield)

Five, she had to be candid. Honest. Truthful. Authentic. Real. Just tell like it is. She had to be a woman who spoke her mind, said what she meant and meant what she said. The list goes up to 15. As you can gather, this list isn't a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination. I didn't call it THE list for nothing.

Six to fifteen, She had to be supportive(empathetic and sympathetic). She had to be selfless or altruistic, moderate in make-up and dress, witty, vibrant, humble, sociable, articulate, smart, proactive, a sports enthusiast. You might think there is no margin for error. You might think, "Ken, no girl like this exists!!!"  Imagine I hear you. That's where the yellow flags come in.

The list was practical and is cognizant of the fact that nobody is perfect. Just as I didn't envision a lady who had all 15 red flags but had a couple of them, I envisioned a lady who might have 1 or 2 flaws. Nobody is perfect, somewhere along the line mistakes were made and so THE list made allowances for that in the Yellow flags' section.The yellow flags consisted of the issues a potential girlfriend would have that I could compromise on. The undesirable qualities I would skip over.

One, she could be God-fearing as explained above but got a child out of wedlock. I wouldn't close the door on her. Two, she could be God-fearing, witty, industrious, humble, smart but be the Christian chini ya maji. I wouldn't entirely dismiss her. Three, she could be a believer, slowly working out her faith  but still struggle with leading a double life of being in church one day, the club the other. I wouldn't dismiss her.

Maybe she believed in Jesus, was hard working, smart but was exhibitionist in her dressing. Maybe she was a God fearing, a small group leader but had a past littered with plenty of sexual encounters with the wrong men. Maybe she was a conversationalist, a great cook, articulate, witty but struggled with identity and felt compelled to share pictures of herself on social media to get validation from people. I believed I would make exceptions for these kind of ladies. I new I would date or married a flawed person, I had to accept the fact. Hence, I readied myself to take some flaws and prayed God would give me the patience to accept them for who they were. In addition, I prayed that God would give me grace to trust him in changing her to his desired ideal rather than my ideal of her. However, there were some flaws, I wanted nothing to deal with. There were some qualities that would make me run for dear life. There were some issues that I just said No. These were red flags

They were the stop, turn back and run qualities. One, a non-believer. No Jesus, no relationship. I didn't believe in dating someone and trying to change them for Christ. That was out of the question not to mention selfish. I reiterate; no Jesus, no relationship.

Two, a lady who is belligerent, a lady who is always spoiling for a verbal fight, constantly competing with me and trying to prove she possessed an admirable intellect. A lady perpetually insisting on proving a point, a point which I had never disputed in the first place! She would be a drain. A lady insistent on proving herself to me would send me scampering for dear life.

Three, A lady who is reticent. I hate hints. Did I say I hate hints? Well I do, and I'm no mind reader and I will never be one, so a lady who insisted on me reading her mind through hints was the death of me. A lady who chooses to be silent, keeps her opinions to herself and is generally reluctant to reveal what she truly thinks or feels is a lady whom I just didn't want a future with. I thrived on communication, but I knew I would crumble on reticence so this was an undisputed red flag.

Fourth, an irresponsible lady, someone who shifted the blame, always pointing fingers at everyone but herself. That grinds me. Just accept culpability for something you have done wrong. Apologize for it, don't make excuses, just confess, don't shift the blame. A lady who couldn't fess up seemed likely to me a lady who would mess me up.

As comprehensive as THE list was,my attachment to it dwindled. Or should I say, I gave God THE list and trusted him to provide me with a wife. Proverbs 19:14- "Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord." That verse became the NEW list and  I subsequently left it to God and instead focused not on finding the right person but becoming the right person for whom God had in mind to give me.

Looking back, I am thankful God didn't have a list when he chose me as a life partner, if he did, I wouldn't have hacked. There I was; shy, reticent, a serial ogler, passive, disinterested in his word and so dull in understanding it. disinterested in attending church, unwilling to sing praises to him and instead stand still and silent during the praise and worship. There I was, belligerent, trying to fight God by thinking I was right in my choices of movies, TV, music and leisure, when I was very wrong. I was irresponsible about my iniquities and shifted the blame to others. I was reticent and refused to confess them before him, trying to give God hints by 'feeling sorry enough' for a considerable amount of time after my every wrong doing.

Man, I was a catalogue of  red flags yet God accepted me in spite of those red flags. Make no mistake, he didn't love me because of what I did for him, he loved me in spite of who I am. He had every right to pull a 'no romance bila finance' placard or in my case 'no eternity bila sanctity' placard. There he was the perfect 10, accepting a floundering -10,000 and still counting. What love, what unfailing love.

I guess it's why David asked, "O LORD, what is man that you care for him, the son of man that you think of him."(Psalms 144:3) He didn't just start with me. He loved Adam and Eve in spite of them thinking they knew better than him by choosing the fruit.That was a big red flag, but in love, he clothed them and despite sending them out of Eden, he still cared for them

What of Samson, who had  big red flags in being individualistic and vengeful, only using his God-given strength to get even with others and never using it for God's glory. Yet God still listened to him when he was captured by the Philistines and gave him strength for one last time even if it was for yet another act of vengeance.

How about the red flags galore in Peter,  who was disloyal and denied him 3 times. Yet, in spite of that infidelity, God still saw him as the Rock of the Church.

Who can forget Paul, a red flag par excellence as a murderer, killing Jesus own followers, yet Jesus loved him in spite of that and appointed him as his chosen instrument to the gentiles. That's why Paul says in 1 Timothy 1:15-16- "Here is a trust worthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came in to the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst but  for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him."

Hosea's promiscuous wife painted the picture of not only Israel being unfaithful but also ourselves as today's church. We cheat on him, again and again yet God keeps coming back  for us again and again. Red flag after red flag. It's humbling that God chose me irrespective of my red flags and worse I had no green flags for him. It's incredible he skips over THE list that the devil and other principalities may want to shove in his face highlighting my unsuitability. He chose a wretch like me, He chose so many others like myself, no GREEN flags but an avalanche of red flags and still showers us with this mercy and grace to this very day.

A litany of red flags, yet God still loves me. God still loves you. Romans 8:35-39: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long;we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, neither present nor future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Certainly not a list of red flags can separate me from his love. That, is a massive relief. No green flags, a tonne of red flags; yet, he accepted me. I am forever grateful.