 |
| Image credit: pinterest.com |
It's safe to conclude that there's never a dull moment in Kenya. Nyahururu residents were treated to the unprecedented spectacle of snow not too long ago. Yes, snow!!! Let's indulge ourselves a bit and ignore the guys at the Kenya Meteorological Department; it actually 'snowed' in Kenya. It's been that cold this July.
I'm accustomed to my birth month being synonymous with near sub-zero temperatures but this...this is just too far much. Drastic times therefore call for drastic measures. I have made it a cardinal rule to sit in the front row behind the driver's seat in a matatu even if I will have to assume the role of co-conductor and possibly be part of a 5-man sandwich. The radiant heat emanating from the engine compartment is worthy compensation for the intrusion of my personal space.(plus there's added perk of body heat)
Having intensely observed my cat's sleeping posture, I have further been equipped with profound insights to keep warm. I have resorted to contorting my body and curling up in a figure 4 position to optimize my body's heat retention capabilities as I sleep. Prior to adopting this sleeping position, I have seen it prudent to lie on my bed for around 15 minutes just before I sleep, this pre-warming technique has been especially invaluable in ensuring the bed sheets 'changamka kidogo' because the fabric can feel so cold on the skin at night.
Polyester pants have served me well this period. In addition, ironing my pants/shirts or even socks just before wearing them has been just as effective, not forgetting walking briskly and layering. Spare a thought for those who live in Iceland, just how they hack it is anyone's guess?
As much as I'm for being warm at all costs, they are those who don't keep warm, not in the colloquial sense of the word. I mean those who are cold, or to put it plainly, whose hearts are as cold as ice. They go about life griping and wining, wearing a permanent scowl on their face with crease lines perpetually running across their foreheads. They didn't beat the chills, the chills beat them.
I would know, because I was one of them; almost always brooding, sulky, seeking sympathy from all quarters and believing i was entitled to people feeling woiyee for me, the chills got me bad. Looking back, I figured why I was such, I figured out why many are as such. The chills stem primarily from emotional hurt, and it's fair to say that the hurt isn't always as people-induced as I would think it to be.
Let's take a trip down memory lane...you and me. You thought it was just my problem. Guess again. This cycle I am about to narrate may well include you as the lead actor.
Episode 1- The Expectation
Being the rational being you are, with knowledge and wisdom to boot, you develop expectations.
"Guys will share this post and it will go viral."
" She won't friendzone me, I think I'm an upgrade on her ex."
" They will accept my friend request"
" Dad has to be there for me on my graduation."
" The church will help us out."
" There's no way she can date my ex, she's my bff."
" He will pay me back as promised."
Episode 2- The performance
The post doesn't go viral, neither is it shared, nor is it liked. I get friend-zoned big time na niko ndaani,ndaani, ndani kabisa. Friend requests go unanswered, 4 months down the line. Dad isn't there on your graduation, or on your ruracio, or on your wedding, in fact he is never there at all. The church doesn't help you out, christians stigmatize you for getting peggars out of wedlock, christians don't come rushing to your aid when you're in financial need even when you bailed those christians out when they were in the red. She does date your ex, in fact, she's the reason why you're the ex. He doesn't pay on time, or one month after that, or 6 months after that, or one year after that and in that time he's gained weight, got a car and bought an iphone for his girlfriend.
Episode 3- Disappointment
I get disappointed. You get disappointed.
The sunken feeling of unmet expectations lingers in your heart. How could things have transpired the way they did? Why did they happen the way the did? How could I have been used like that? How could someone take advantage of my kindness like that? How could I have been played for a fool? Questions abound with no answers in sight.
Season finale- The Downward Spiral
Then I get angry, bitter, resentful of the other person. How could he/she/they have done that? They become public enemy no 1. They are the problem. They are at fault.
I'll prove him/her/ them wrong. I'll work on myself, hit the gym till I get ripped, rise up the career ladder and become Kenneth 2.0 till they feel sorry for the way they treated me and beg for my forgiveness. My every move becomes about them, my offender-focused rage fueling my resilience to be a better version of me. The bitterness or siege mentality works it stuff, and refuses to welcome any thought of letting go of my anger. Only a solemn apology from the offender will do, anything less, won't cut it.
Thereafter, I refuse to speak to the offender. I refrain from liking or sharing any of their posts, I block them or unfriend them from my social media accounts. I place them on the reject list in my phone so that I don't have to answer their calls. I badmouth them to my friends and expect my friends to distance themselves from the offender in question.
Have you ever found yourself in this cycle? It's a cycle for the simple reason that season 2 goes like this; in thinking that the offender will come around and apologize, you develop an expectation, he/she doesn't apologize(performance), you get disappointed and then angry and just like that season 2 is a mirror image of season 1 and the seasons keep on coming without any let up.
The result is we nurse a grudge. We think ill of the offender. We cannot for the life of us understand why he/she can't fess up that they did us wrong. As much as we don't sing 'solidarity forever' or hold placards, our hearts have gone on strike and will not resume working to love until the CBA(the offender's apology) arrives.
It's always the offenders fault! It's always his/her actions! I will be happy if THEY just apologized!
Is it really? Is it just solely the offender's fault?
Eleanor Roosevelt quipped, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." We are so keen on zeroing in on the performance of the other that we fail to realize our expectations in the first place are the biggest culprit, we and not them,are the reason why we feel angry or inferior.
Episode 1 and not 2 is where it all goes wrong. More times than we care to admit, we set unrealistic expectations. Many times, we set expectations in complete ignorance, then blame the offender for his/her wrongdoing, but remain mum on our ignorance or naivety. Many times we falsely think that our perspective of the truth is the gospel truth of how things should occur. Our perspective is a perspective; the reality/truth is so much different. Many times we misinterpret what people say/do, like I did, we perceive things not as they really are, a recipe for disaster.
I have come to realize it's not always the offender's fault, it's mine for being ignorant of the person, the environment, the way things work, the way people behave. I have come to realize that the fault was mine for being naive, for misunderstanding someone's actions/motives, spoken words and failing to clarify what he/she meant and reaching false conclusions. It's my fault for thinking that my intuition was bang on cue, my fault for thinking that my perspective of truth was truth when the reality was and still is far different. Common sense isn't always that common because we have varying perspectives on things.
And perhaps............., you have too.
The focus shouldn't always be on the offender but on ourselves as well, on our very skewed expectations.
This is just the stating point of beating the chills. The second point is also realizing we have the power to CHOOSE how to respond. We are not COMPELLED to respond because of another's ill treatment towards us. I am not my shame. I am not my bitterness. I am not my anger. I am not my siege mentality. I chose all those.
When I look at the life of Jesus, do I realize this. Jesus had reason to choose to be bitter, sulky and angry, in fact he had a catalogue of reasons. He was rejected by guys in his own home town(Luke 4:14-30). His own brothers didn't believe him.(John 7:5) Pharisees claimed he drove out demons because his power was from demons!!!(Matthew 12:22-37). He healed 10 lepers yet only one came back to thank him(Luke 17:11-19). He was betrayed for only 30 pieces of silver. His trusted disciple Peter betrayed him three times. The crowd chose him(sinless God-man) to be crucified and pardoned a well-known prisoner, Barabbas, to go free in his stead.(Matthew 27:16-26)
He didn't leaved a charmed life that's for sure. He was hurt repetitively. He did not sulk. He did not go about whining about the wickedness of man. He wasn't constantly telling his disciples on how he would get back at the Pharisees. He didn't feel the need to prove his brothers wrong for not believing him. He didn't act to seek sympathy from others.
What he did was to continue the work God sent him, in spite of the hurt. He continued with his teaching, he continued healing, he continued driving out demons. That must have taken love and forgiveness. That must have meant, moderating his expectations of people and accepting their limitations rather than adopting a siege mentality against them. It must have meant bearing with them patiently, his persistent patience with them evidenced so strongly when he says to his disciples, "At last you believe!"(John 16:31 NIRV)
Jesus set an example for us to follow; not one of constant bickering or holding out for an apology, but one of letting go and loving. To keep warm, aside from moderating our expectations, we also ought to let go of our hurt, our bitterness, our resentment. I know it isn't easy but Jesus showed it by example in the face of hurts far greater than our own. Besides, since we have hurt Jesus and our sins put him on the cross, yet he forgives us and graciously gives us things, what right do we have not to be merciful and forgiving as he was, irrespective of how we were offended?
As Jesus lay dying on the cross, he asked God to forgive those who crucified him.He prayed for those who offended him.(Luke 23:34) Stephen did the same by praying for those who stoned him.(Acts 7:60) Beating the chills, means we too ought to forgive, we too ought to let our bitterness go, we too ought to pray for those who hurts us like Jesus did on the cross as well as Stephen.
It is not beyond our capability to do so as christians because we have not received a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline(2 Timothy 1:7) that overrides any vengeance or siege mentality and loves back.
Being cynical, isolating yourself, seeking sympathy doesn't beat the chills, it only reinforces them.
As Louise Erdrich said, "Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with it's yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."
Fear of hurt shouldn't force you to live as a cynic or in isolation. At whatever point in your life, may you draw lessons from your past hurt and may that in turn lead you to moderate your expectations to avoid making the same mistakes. Follow Jesus example, as he patiently bore with us, may we bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances we may have against each other and forgave as the Lord forgave us( Colossians 3:12-14)
