Time to go men-tal

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Just like that, poof!! 2016 gone. New year's eve may be about 30 days away, but one can't help feeling that the year is as good as over.

Last month happened to be that time of the year when the dreaded ACS ravages the Gunners. For those unfamiliar with the acronym, ACS is short for Arsenal Chocking Syndrome, a highly contagious condition that has dogged Arsenal and their long suffering fans for years. ACS although not life-threatening, has proved fatal, killing Arsenal's chances of bagging that elusive EPL or Champion's league trophy year after year.

The onset of ACS is usually a second-place finish in the group stage of the Champions league. Barring a spectacular last day collapse from PSG, this looks likely to be the same case once again. A scarcely deserved 2-2 draw at home to PSG ensured the first stage of ACS was well and truly underway. To their credit, at least they didn't put their fans through the usual last day drama, thanks to Ozil's sublime piece of magic in Bulgaria a few weeks ago. However, a failure to beat PSG means even a win in their last game might not be enough to avoid a second place finish. Thus in all likelihood, Arsenal await either one of Barcelona, Borussia Dortmund, Real Madrid, Atletico Madrid to give them a befitting send off in the round of 16. Thankfully, no Bayern this time, so we will have to make due without seeing Douglas Costa making a fool of Bellerin.

The next stage of ACS is a poor run of form in the league. A home draw to Tottenham was Arsenal's first wobble in November. After the international break, it was a trip to Old-Trafford, which had all the hallmarks of a typical November performance; lethargic, ponderously bereft of ideas in attack, Ozil and Walcott gone missing, this was ACS all-right. Then Mata scored and another defeat to United was the only likely outcome. Arsenal though showed they are taking the fight to ACS, and with their only shot on target coming in the 89th minute, they scored an equalizer through Giroud to leave Old Trafford with a point. A barely deserved point, but a point nonetheless.

A week later, they easily dispatched Bournemouth to ensure ACS may just be a thing of the past. Maybe, just maybe this could be there year. Hang on...that's what  I said that last year...and the year before that...and the year before that..I feel it is in my best interest to stay clear from this prediction talk lest I be proved wrong...again.

On the same day Giroud spared Arsenal's blushes against Manutd, men were supposed to be celebrated for it was International Men's day. Women's day, Mother's day and Father's day are days in the calendar that never passed by unnoticed, this one did.

It's like even the guys had no idea it was men's day. I was too busy lamenting Giroud's late equalizer and a 3rd consecutive draw for Manutd at Old Trafford to even care. Everyone seemed to be mum about the whole thing. Facebook was quiet, real quiet, no selfies with guys, no #men's day as status updates, no-nothing. Perhaps this November, with Donald Trump winning the election despite that infamous video just before the ballot, and Miguna Miguna incurring the wrath of a majority of the female population with his  rape comments towards Esther Passaris, men had this coming.

These two illustrated the ugly side of men, it would be nice if they were only a few other cases of men behaving badly. Sadly they aren't. They are plenty more incidences of men whose acts and speech have had women and children pulling their hair out in frustration. It makes one wonder how a man could turn up so horribly wrong since men weren't born bad, they are made. The likely causes are numerous.

An absentee father or lack of a father-figure in the man's life when he was a kid growing up. An abusive father who eroded his confidence or made the man grow up to be violent and abusive as a result of his childhood experiences. Controlling parents who demanded perfection and constantly deemed their child's efforts as unsatisfactory till he grew up to be a man who gave up trying as he thought it would only lead up to more criticism. The tragic loss of a mum, sister, brother or friend could turn a good man's world upside down. A failed business, a job lay-off, the realization that a lady cheated on him or was just using him or rejected him and labelled him, "not man enough", an accident that left a man disabled, all the above could have a destructive impact on a man's life. Sadly we men don't realize how hurt or messed up we are as a result, and only figure it out, after we've left a trail of broken hearts amongst scores of women, family and close friends.

Who can forget the company we keep. Sometimes our boys are our downfall. The negative peer pressure takes it toll, and we end up compromising our values just to fit in. The boys are who gives us a sense of belonging, who accept us when few do, who affirm us for our actions when so many don't, even if our deeds are questionable or against the law.

A man with an 'i got this, lone ranger' mentality or 'I know it all, buda na huyu mzae anajua nini' type of thinking isn't any better. I've played as a lone striker, it's not as easy as it looks. You almost always have 2 burly central defenders for company who will stop at nothing to keep you quiet. They're constantly in your face, sticking to you like glue, pushing and shoving  you if need be. That's how life can be when you go it alone. In your face, pushing and shoving, ready to drag you down to your knees.You either have to overcome the odds or raise the white flag. When life injures a man and he raises the white flag, it's not that hard to tell.

You'll have him retaliating violently or explosively at the slightest provocation. You will have guys who take to alcohol or drugs to deaden their sorrow or pain. You'll see a guy changing women as frequently as he changes clothes. You will see another one always keen on getting the attention of the ladies, too eager to be the nice, sweet and charming guy. Then there are those like myself, who become laid-back, withdrawn, passive. We are mediocre at best, because we give up trying as a result of constantly being found wanting.

We can't do it alone. Like Proverbs 27:17, " As Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." How, true, especially when we life blunts us. King Solomon also recognized that when he said in Ecclesiastes 4:11, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no-one to help him up!"

Men need men to be good men or better men. A helper in a wife is good, but a brother is just as important if not more. You need a friend to connect with. You need a brother to  encourage you when the chips are really down, to stand by you when everyone else deserts you. You need a brother who will push you to work for your dreams, chide you for giving just 70% and push you to go all out with 100% like a brother so determined for you to leave team one-pack till he'll have you doing crunches with so much exertion that toxic, pungent fumes diffuse from your posterior as you do heave and puff and  literally blow the house down with one more rep.

You need a brother for the good times like graduations, job promotions, weddings, the birth of a child,  to watch football together and then sit motionless with your head in arms as a version of the mannequin challenge to compensate for the frustration of watching Manutd dominate and then draw for the umpteenth time.

You need a guy to be brutally honest with you and tell you to your face, "Bro, we ni boyz, lakini I'll be real with you, You can't sing to save your life, don't go for those auditions." That way, he spares the judges from crashing your dreams in a much more crude manner and he also spares you the shame of clocking 1,000,000 hits on YouTube for all the wrong reasons. You need a brother who won't hesitate to tell you that you are spending too much time on Fifa 17 or that you're spending needless money on Sportpesa.

You need a brother to share the bad-times as well, to be there for you when you get a flat, to be there for you when you need bail from prison, to be there for you to pick up the pieces after the unexpected loss of your dad, mum, brother and help you give them a decent send-off. You not only need someone to share your burdens but also  to share a vulnerably spirit burdened by a nagging iniquity or sin.

I recall oft, how I've had to bare it all. "Vipi bro, I  confess today I was team-mafisi looking at cleavages and thighs in town, pray for me." Or, "Hey man, last night, I was lusting at pics of her on the internet as well as her WhatsApp pic, pray for me." Or,  "Hey bro, I'm struggling with bitterness and being cynical towards other believers who are christians chini ya maji, pray for me to be patient with others." It's not always easy to admit one's struggles but the lack of peace I have when I keep my sins to myself is not worth it. Nothing beats the peace that comes from confessing to a brother, I feel at peace with God, righteous even, perhaps justifying James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Then I need a much bigger brother, an older man, some might say a mentor, I prefer discipler. A man who has gone ahead of me in life and can guide me from his achievements and failures. A man full of wisdom that has come from years of experience. A man, whom when I see in a lady, big car, big bust, big bum, he says big NO to her being a suitable wife for me. This is a man who can prepare me for marriage, for fatherhood, for being an elder and one whose wisdom can pass me by if I just regard older men as senile and old-fashioned, unaware of the new trends.

However, it's not enough to desire a brother or a discipler, I need to be one myself!!! Jim Rohn stated that, "You are who you attract." Therefore to attract this kind of a brother, I need to be the one who is supportive, I need to be the one who is loyal, who is there for his friend during the good times and bad. I need to be wise, honest and able to disciple younger men, I need to be the accountability partner who listens to his brother confessing and prays for him.I need to be the man who is brutally honest and rebukes a brother when need be, for he who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue(Proverbs 29:23). Besides, better is open rebuke than hidden love(Proverbs 27:5)

To become this kind of man, I have taken a leaf from a man who has no equal when it comes to perfect masculinity. His name was Jesus, and he was the man, par excellence. He was the man who loved God so much that he considered his food to be doing the will of his father and finishing his work.(John 4:34) He was a man so wise, that by the time he was a tween, guys at the temple could only marvel at how knowledgeable he was. He was a man who was powerful enough to raise people form the dead, but unlike men who have absolute power and end up being corrupted absolutely, he was humble. He had a humility that didn't see the need to grasp equality with God whereas many of us swell with pride  feel we ought to be demi-gods in the eyes of our subordinates at work.

He was a man who talked tough, who wasn't afraid to challenge or rebuke people who needed rebuking but who was still compassionate to the less-fortunate, the marginalized and the downtrodden of the society. A man who respected women and didn't treat women like dirt even if those very same women felt they were nothing but dirt. A man who was selfless, and didn't feel the need to show the whole world revolved around him, even if in actual sense the whole world does revolve around him. He sacrificed himself, his own life, just so we wouldn't have to be condemned for the many times we failed as men, but obtain forgiveness and reconciliation to God by virtue of believing him to be the saviour of the world and accepting him as such in our lives.

Christ was not just a man, he was THE man.  The goal  for me and for many other God-loving men is to become like Christ and  that's why I need all the help I get in form of brothers by my side and being a brother to others.

Over and above, growing a beard during November, I felt a compulsion to start a discipleship group for men, to help them become more Christ-like and to get help from them to become more Christ-like. As men we need each other, we need affirmation, we need encouragement, we need to feel accepted and a sense of belonging, we need to be honest or authentic and vulnerable around fellow men whom we can trust and share our failures not for condemnation but encouragement or as a lesson  for someone else. We need to inspire each other, motivate each other and be there each other so that we can see and do things that will have others see Jesus in us. Don't be a lone ranger, Don't sit on your gift of leadership, Don't just watch as younger men flounder in life due to an absence of guidance and don't think that the elderly guy in church can't help you. Get involved in one way or another so that being Christ-like will be easier done than said as opposed to being easier said than done.