MR DEPENDENT

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He scarcely could contain himself when he first laid eyes on her. There she was, swaddled in clothes and not in her mother's womb. She was finally here. He duly obliged to carry her in his arms to her mother's request. In that instant, he had well and truly become a doting uncle. It was so surreal for him. Only a few years ago, he was sitting his KCSE exams, now he was an uncle holding his 2-month old niece.

As soon as she awakened from her slumber, everything began to go wrong. As young as she was, she quickly discerned the man carrying her was a novice at carrying babies. Patience was a virtue she had yet to develop regardless of the fact that the man holding her was her uncle.Her flailing arms and legs were growing evidence of her displeasure. Enough was enough, she decided. Despite his attempts to appease her with a pacifier, her desperate and strident cry for mummy reverberated across the clinic waiting hall. The clinic receptionist, more accustomed to carrying those of her ilk, rushed to her aid and put her clueless uncle out of his misery. Immediately, baby found her in place in the arms of lady, she was an island of tranquility.

Uncle watched in amazement with an overtone of disappointment and frustration in himself. He couldn't make out how, but he knew he had been carrying her wrong. As he watched his own niece being cradled to sleep in the arms of a stranger, he felt a gnawing sense of inadequacy. As he floundered as an uncle in the simplest of tasks, he could only shudder to think what kind of father he would be.

The floundering uncle happened to be me by the way. My first encounter with my niece was both a delightful and a chastening experience that served to underlined not only how much I needed to grow up but how much I needed God to help me grow up.

Any visions of grandeur or self sufficiency I had were promptly put to bed. I need God. I really do. I can't live this life without him.  I've been made acutely aware of the need to grow and develop into a better man and quite frankly I desperately need God to become that man. It isn't enough to be the honest guy, to avoid intoxication, gambling and philandering; there is much more.

I need the dynamism of the Holy Spirit to relentlessly pursue becoming the man God desires me to become. I need God to bestow on me a holy discontentment with mediocrity and going through the missions. Like an importune beggar, may he constantly prod me to dynamic action to pursue those God-given dreams the moment  I dither in passivity. I need his courage to attempt the audacious, to face and overcome my fears, to confront what or who needs to be confronted.

I need the Holy Spirit to continuously remind me that I am loved, that I am accepted, that I am treasured. Irrespective of the state of my pocket, the hue of my clothes, the faded Samsung label on my phone's screen, I am still of immense worth in his eyes. I need him to remind me that my Identity is in Jesus, that he defines my worth, that I need not waste time proving myself, neither do I need the validation of others, his is enough.

I need him to give me the grace to defiantly say no to the snooze button morning after morning. I need him to work on myself and work as if my life depended on it. I need him to keep my heterosexual passions in check to not to lead women on, or to let my eyes wander or to let my mind drift to places it shouldn't. I need him to keep me from letting my savior complex running wild and being too keen to help others at the expense of my impoverishment and declining emotional, financial health. I need his wisdom to counterbalance the need to grow myself and the need to empower others.

I need his peace, his transcendent peace that He is in control. Even when my faith is ridiculed, even when my credentials are called to question, even when I appear no closer to my dreams than I was  years ago, may his peace be my fortress. May he remind me that He is sovereign, in utter control of everything and may that put me at ease.

I am nowhere near close to being the finished article of a man. That I am pretty assure. Despite the progress I've made, despite how far  I've come, I still need to become more.

As I make my way there there, I will unashamedly speak of my dependency on God. Why shouldn't I? He is the reason I've come this far in the first place. I need him more, and I will need him every step of the way. God, help me become the man you desire me to become and the man I need to become. Amen