Whine or wine?

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Mr I will be successful, u just wait…

Now that’s a statement of intent, if ever you heard one. It hogs you attention by the mere sighting of it.  Years back that was my Facebook profile bio. Captivating, concise and exuding confidence. I’m sure the folks at Cambridge Analytica reached that very same conclusion.

Funny enough, I deleted my account years later but you know what they say, “The Internet never forgets.” How could it forget?  A statement of such epic proportions was just too good to be deleted.  And so, my old bio was obliged to resurface when I googled my name. You might wonder why I was googling my own name in the first place. Don’t ask me that, that’s a story for another day. Besides, admit it, you’ve probably done the same or if not, have thought of doing it.

Anyway, before I digress, back to my awesome bio. As I was saying, the internet could not bear the terrifying thought of losing such a riveting bio. Quite simply unthinkable a prospect. Maybe I should also add that I never deleted my Pinterest account which was linked to my old Facebook account. This could perhaps explain why my old bio is still around. I prefer the Internet not forgetting. It’s a more plausible explanation. When I think about it, I drafted that statement in 2008 or 2009. Almost 10 years have come and gone and I am still, ‘Mr I will be Successful, u just wait.’

You would think I’d have a story to tell. You would think by now I’d have a stable job, a flourishing and fulfilling career, a loving wife, 2 lovely kids, a villa near Two Rivers, a top or the range, Range. Well, I don’t. I’m still trying to figure out how to monetize the talents and the education I got. I’m still single. I’m still living with my parents. My Shoe-baru impreza is still going on strong. Back then, when I drafted the statement, I was almost 20, now I am almost hitting the proverbial ‘third-floor’ while spotting a couple of white hairs.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. It’s not that I delight in not having work, or not having a family. Life just hasn’t panned out as I thought it would. Does it really anyway?

You plan to move out by 24, get your first million by 27, marry by 28, and have kids by 31. Then through personal experience you discover that, “In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9). You set about charting the course for your life only to end up veering off course. 

Through the pit stops and detours you discover that, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”(Proverbs 19:21). You realize those 5 year or 10 year plans are just that, plans. You conclude like Jeremiah did, “I know, O LORD, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.”(Jeremiah 10:23)

That can be quite frustrating given that people will compare you to the above or similar timelines. Some will ask, “Why can’t you be like nani?” This being in reference to your more illustrious colleague, relative or neighbor. All the while you are supposed to be still and know that He is God (Psalms 46:10). This doesn’t come easy, you know.

Ecclesiastes paints a true depiction of these events in chapter 9, verse 11, which reads, “The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.”

I’m patiently waiting for time and chance to happen, they seem to be taking their sweet time though. Good thing there’s Lamentations 3:31-33. I sup up the encouragement therein, which reads, “For men are not cast off by the Lord for ever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”

I draw comfort knowing that, “He made everything beautiful in it’s time.”(Ecclesiastes 3:11) That includes my future which obviously I am yet to see. God’s sight is not limited to the present or past. He doesn’t operate on a linear scale and isn’t confined to a time-space continuum.

All the above doesn’t mean it’s easy to wait. It’s hard. It really is. You know they are different kinds of waiting. There is waiting for a politician to fulfill his pre-election pledge. There’s waiting for Arsenal to win the EPL. Painful, oh so painful waiting. There is waiting for someone to apologize for a wrong you perceive they committed against you. There is waiting for that cute chick or guy to notice you and un-friendzone you. There is waiting for the pay check at the end of January.

Then there’s waiting for a break-through. Waiting for the AHA moment when you finally extricate yourself from whatever malaise you’ve been in. There’s waiting for your back to heal 2 years on. That’s my story.

That waiting is especially difficult when you look around and see people you know seemingly flourishing in their careers, being interviewed by journalists, some making the Top 40 under 40. You attend their weddings, you see them drive their cars, share pictures of their cute babies on social media. You’re happy for them. You are. Unfortunately, you can’t shake that nagging question, “Na mimi je?” You’re almost pre-conditioned to compare yourself to them and inadvertently, you wallow in self-pity as a result.

Truth is that everyone has their own season of waiting. Everyone has their own wilderness. Everyone has their own winter, that lengthy interlude of seemingly being dormant and mark-timing in the periphery of life so to speak.

That waiting for me has been a blessing in disguise. I’ve had no stable job to identify myself or define myself by. Neither have I had a girlfriend whom to place my identity in. My wallet has been more accustomed to business cards rather than bank notes in that space of time. Lasagna has had to take a back seat in favour of KDF and CMB (Chapati mbili beans). As a result, I’ve learnt that money doesn’t determine my self-worth. Waiting in the winter teaches you these things.

As a believer, I am compelled to find my self-worth in Jesus. It’s at that point when Acts 17: 28 comes alive, “For in him we live and move and have our being.”

Who I am is not my job. Who I am is not my ministry. Who I am is not where I serve in church. Who I am is not the phone I have. Who I am is not the clothes or shoes I wear, whether bought from Deacons or from Soko in Kawangware. Who I am is not the restaurant I go to, whether Talisman or a kibanda. Who I am is not the mode of transport I use, whether a 46 or an Uber X.

Who I am is not in how cool I am or how much I can keep up with all the latest trends. Who I am is not where I live in, whether in a maisonette or in a bedsitter, whether in Lavington or Eastlands.

Who I am is not in how many ladies I sleep with neither is it in how many ladies I can make swoon over me. It’s not in how charming or funny or cool I can be through the memes, parodies or vines I share.  Who I am is not the money in my pocket, neither is it in the money I make. Who I am is not the no of followers I have on social media neither is it the no of likes I amass from what I post.

Who I am is that I am a child of God because I believe in Jesus. (John 1:12-13) Being a child of God makes me a Prince, an heir to a glorious inheritance. (Romans 8:17) It makes me royalty, a royal priesthood to be precise. (1 Peter 2:9) Moreover, I am his ambassador, a diplomat representing the Kingdom of God and appealing to others to come and be a part of it. (2 Corinthians 5:20) I am known by him, I am secure in him and I am loved by him.   

Who I am is that I am a saint. A saint who hasn’t got it all together. A saint who succumbs to temptation sometimes but a saint who will get back up by God’s grace and will continue to wrestle with sin till Jesus calls me home. Whether jobless, single, broke, my worth doesn’t change and most times it takes being stripped of the above earthly measures of self-worth to realize that.

I may be assailed by affliction. The winds of doubt and adversity may threaten to blow me away. I will not fall apart like a house of cards because Christ is the rock solid foundation I stand on. It takes the ivy-league education the winter provides to know this.

The winter is not a period to be spent whining and comparing myself to others or perceived societal norms. I can’t go about griping that 5 years since my graduation and still no financial stability. I can’t be entitled to solicit pity from others and let my pride convince me that people should feel woiyee for me.

The winter is not to be shuddered but embraced. This period of adversity or affliction is not to be seen as a time of being cursed by the devil. Instead, it is to be seen as a time of building. It is to be seen as a time when God refines you like silver, when God makes a diamond of you through the furnace of affliction and dry spells.

Winter isn’t the justification to leave God based on the assumption that things with Jesus should be nywwee just like Airtel. God never said it would be easy. He did say he would always be there with you. (Hebrews 13:5). God does his best work in the waiting.

Fairly often, we are not ready to receive the blessings God has for us. It takes God to use the winter to shape and mould us to worthy recipients of the blessings. Our Money over Everything Culture (MOE) predisposes us to shortcut our way to the blessing. We view the winter as an unnecessary inconvenience. A journey to be side-stepped at all costs. Truth is we need it. We need God to prune us during this period and make us more fruitful for whatever purposes he had for us.

David was made a king in those years of wilderness as a fugitive not when he was appointed by Samuel. Abraham was made a father of faith in those 24/25 years of waiting for God’s promise. That Quarter century took his faith to unprecedented levels. It taught him to trust God to provide an heir even when faced with the test of sacrificing his only son and heir.  Moses became a leader fit to lead a people for 40years of wandering since he himself wandered in the winter for almost a similar period. Years of obscurity in the wilderness prepared him for years in authority leading the Israelites in the wilderness.

And Jesus? We know Jesus started his ministry at 30. At 12, Jesus was able to reason with the teachers in the temple (Luke 2:41-47). Surely then couldn’t he have started his ministry before 30? Couldn’t he have started at 29? Couldn’t he have started at 27? Couldn’t he have started at 24, that time when most of us are fresh out of campo and yearn to get a job from the get-go? How long did he have to wait in the wilderness of obscurity? 2 years? 3 years? 5 years? 6 years? 7 years?

The way I see it, I think he waited even longer. When you think about it, he didn’t start planning for his ministry when he checked into Earth, it was long before. Long before his parents were born. Long before his great grandparents. God started planning our salvation way before. After Adam sinned, Jesus was prophesied to be the one who would crash the serpent’s heal. (Gen 3:15) Jesus didn’t wait for years. He didn’t wait for decades. He waited for centuries, to come on earth to die for us on the cross.

He gave us his Spirit to be our helper in the waiting. He gave his Spirit to work on us to will and to act according to his good purpose (Phil 2:13), to shape and mould us to his likeness. He gave us his Spirit to remind us where our identity truly lies, in him, and not in our circumstances as we  are prone to forget. We are esteemed because we have Jesus. Not because we work. Not because we have a spouse. Not because we have children. Not because of our possessions or behavioural qualities. Having Jesus makes us esteemed. Even in the waiting when we lack, we are esteemed.

Comedian Basketmouth once said they were two things… I concur and add you have two choices. You can whine. You can complain. You can cry serikali all you want. You can play victim and gripe about how the world has conspired against you. Or you can drink the wine of the waiting. Imbibe copious amount of it. Drink it to its dregs. Drink it in sips or take a deep long draught of it.

Jesus drank his cup of suffering during crucifixion. We too, can drink the bitter wine of pain, adversity, affliction and waiting. Afterwards you can savour the wine’s aftertaste of sweetness as you realize how God used it all to build you up and refined you. You can savour how you mature and age gracefully as wine does while you wait in God’s cellar. Waiting while he conforms you to his likeness in the wine cask of the winter.

Don’t just yearn for that blessing that seems to be taking ages to come. You are already blessed, you’re blessed to know the blesser and be loved by him. Take a sideways look at it like James does in James 1:9 when he says, “The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position.” Did you see it? The HUMBLE circumstances are a HIGH position. I agree they are a high position because the blesser seeks to use the humble circumstances of the winter to ELEVATE you in your relationship with him.

Which one will it be as you wait? Griping or Growing? Moaning or Moulding? Victim or Victor? Whine or wine?